A pseudo-scientific survey of Middlebury's top five restrooms The Campus explores the good, the bad and the ugly in toilets, paper towels and ambiance

Author: Andrew Herzik and Joseph Bergan

John McCardell Bicentennial Hall

This is perhaps one of the finer designed bathroom spaces in the school. The location is central but refreshingly secluded. Upon entering, you are faced with a nice foyer, leading to a terrific full length mirror. The first thing we noticed was the sheer size of the place. There are way too many sinks and stalls to be used, so you can rush in at the most hectic of times and find a seat. Another fantastic feature to this pit stop are the coat hooks - secured to the door with two screws­ - these babies are perfect for a full backpack or messenger bag. For the morally paralyzed, this location's handicap stall is a must use. The secluded design creates a terrific noise buffer so the people in the Great Hall will not be priviliged to hear. The bathroom also lends itself to extended visits with the vending machine just foot steps away. Combine these aspects with the safety showers in the lab and the seductively comfortable couches, we believe this stop stands equal to your average Econolodge or Motel 6.


Third Floor Old Chapel-The Emperor's Chambers

A personal tour of this bathroom by Ronald Liebowitz himself proved that our president truly is a man of the people. Besides the aromatic air freshener installed to counteract the harmful effects of poor ventilation system in Old Chapel, this bathroom displays no amenities out of the ordinary. In case you were wondering, the president uses the same toilet paper, washes his hands with the same soap and dries with the same brown paper towels as the rest of us. When asked if he was satisfied with his setup, the President responded, "You have to use what's given to you."


Forest second floor

This upperclassman dorm houses one of the most perplexing bathrooms we could find. Its tight space was a bit of a factor, but not too much to upset these lax critics. The shower setup is a major step up from Stewart, and there is a private changing room with hooks and a shower stall all to yourself. This bathroom failed in one very important way - a bathtub has replaced the sink. In theory this may work, but what about when you go to the bathroom and you plan on washing your hands, but when you get to your room, your significant other calls and you get stuck on the phone? In the mean time, you have spread germs across several doorways. Granted, hand sanitizer is provided, but what about those messy occasions?


Outside of Twilight

When nature calls, this is the perfect location to answer the phone. A great spot to escape to when the bar bathroom lines are long on Friday and Saturday nights, or you are simply the outdoorsy type. Like Bicentennial Hall, the location is central, yet high shrubs and walls hide you from Middlebury police. To add to the ambience you can lose yourself in the scenic panoramas of the rural Vermont night sky. Some drawbacks, however, include the lack of a door, toilet paper, paper towels or running water, and the fact that using a public shrub as your urinal is illegal. Additionally, with the advent of winter the danger of severe frostbite increases dramatically. We recommend this as a summer stop only one! Oh, and by the way, after reading this article, it is likely that Public Safety officers will know exactly where to catch you with your pants around your ankles.


Stewart third floor

There are far too many dorm bathrooms to personally test out, and frankly, we do not have the stomach for it. So we skipped straight to the bottom of the food chain: Stew 3. This bathroom, used by 40 first year man-boys was surprisingly clean. The one large drawback was its overflowing garbage can with Popov bottles and 30-racks, leaving no space for our paper towel trash. Another huge problem is the lack of privacy. The showers are a jangler's paradise with very little curtain coverage and no privacy during the walk from the shower to your towel. This rest stop feels faintly reminiscent of an all-boys Catholic high school.


New Library Main Floor

The bathroom on the main floor at the back right of the library is deceptive. While it may be construed as one of the best bathrooms on campus, our tests proved it to be one of the worst. It calls to you like the snake and the apple - but you must be strong! It's clean, lighting is good and we found ample toilet paper. Furthermore, the supposed privacy appears to be a huge plus in this one-person-capacity spot. Do not be fooled! You are not sitting in a concrete bunker, rather, you are resting in a very flimsy cardboard box. Our simulated "bathroom sound test" was audible in a 20-foot radius, meaning that peer writing tutors had a front row seat to the show. In addition, the one-person-limit, once so appealing, becomes a death trap: you can be positively identified upon exiting.