Paving the Way to Proper Sidewalk Etiquette A Survival Guide to the Middlebury Paths

Author: Andrew Herzik

-The Situation-

This campus suffers from a disease. People cower in the exits of buildings, looking at the great expanse of land that separates them from their next destination with a mixture of trepidation and outright wet-the-bed fright. Nowadays, braving Battell Beach is harder than storming the beach at Normandy. Landmines?! Try walking past an old crush. Concentrated SS artillery fire at 200 yards?! Try walking by someone you know at 50 yards - do you wave, do you ignore until you are within smiling distance or do you talk to nobody on your cellphone? Invading Russia in winter was easy compared to the complex problems faced by Middlebury students strolling the sidewalk. To remedy the problem, The Campus has generously provided you with a few tips to get you back on your feet, walking confidently to class.


-The Person You Know You Don't Know-

People you know you don't know exist in an awkward purgatory-like state. They may be a friend of a friend, an acquaintance you used to say hi to before they went abroad for two years or a friend's hookup that you know way too much about, including their preference for Superman underwear. You know their name, how they did last year in BIO195 and about their penchant for fuzzy Japanese-anime stuffed animal characters. They know your name, your favorite historical figure and, as you correctly suspected, the fact that you've been to the Health Center at least two times this semester for non-illness related "issues." Unfortunately, some silly code of conduct probably invented by the French insists that you may not actually talk until you've been introduced. You may make light banter at a party, but acknowledging them on the sidewalk with anything more than a raising of the eyebrows is strictly forbidden until you have been officially declared friends by either an impartial third party or by Facebook.com.

In the dreaded event that you leave class together, you must proceed to introduce yourself. The question that has placed many a head under the social guillotine and has plagued centuries of sidewalk theorists is: who begins the introduction? Most specialists regard this question as the central crux to sidewalk conventions, and for good reason. However, we at The Campus have constructed a handy guide to introductions on the sidewalk:

-If a man and a woman are interacting, the man shall initiate the introduction. Unless the woman is a 'Defensive Feminist,' in which case the man will meekly submit making sure to avoid eye contact and to smile without revealing his teeth.

-If two people of the same gender interact, the taller one shall introduce him/herself. In the event of equal heights, an estimate of weight will suffice. In the event of approximately equal stature, cup size for women and facial hair for men will be the determining factor. If both women are wearing bulky layers, use the general rule of thumb: who would win in a thumb war?

-Important Note: In the event of a standoff, only God (or some derivation) can help you. Perhaps it was not meant to be, and your interactions will forever remain insincere and callous. Good luck!


-The Sidewalk Companion-

The sidewalk companion walks through your life on a weekly basis. You do not know this person and yet over the years you have developed a relationship based purely on unassuming smiles that symbolize all that is good in your life. Imagine the scenario: the Green Goblin is holding your sidewalk companion and your mom over a bridge. He drops them both at the same time so you can only save one (assume no spidey powers). Who do you save? A tough pill to swallow, no doubt, but you have to ask yourself, does your mom brighten up an otherwise mundane day whenever you pass her on the way to the library? Does your sidewalk companion nag you about some form you've got at home that you need to fill out? I believe the questions answer themselves (sorry mom, nothing personal). Beware reader, the sidewalk companion is a precious diamond stuck in the can of cat food that is the rest of your social life. Its value diminishes when you try and eat it. Under no circumstances are you to try and make contact with this person. Do not talk or casually sidle on up to them at a party. Great hubris proceeds the fall. Only death and destruction result from trying to turn your sidewalk companion into a friend.


-The Teacher-

Passing the teacher on the sidewalk presents an entirely new set of problems. Not only is the person you're walking by a figure of authority, he's old. He abides by an entirely different set of sidewalk customs that were developed when Taft was still sitting in oversized baths at the White House. Add to the cunundrum the fact that he may be about to go grade your paper and you've got yourself one doozy of a problem. For your convenience we've created an easy guide for dummies. Just follow the basic template below and your day should be a leisurely stroll through the park.


The Campus sat down with Marichal Gentry, Associate Dean of the College. Gentry is widely considered a master greeter who will not hesitate to greet anyone who passes him by, no matter who they are. If you are still unsure of your sidewalk etiquette read on to learn from the master.

The Campus: How do you do it?

Marichal Gentry: I think it's important to make connections with people even if you don't know them.

TC: Do you really care how I'm doing?

MG: Absolutely, or else what's the point in asking?

TC: I see. Did you, like, get way too many hugs as a child?

MG: Actually, I hug my parents more now that I'm an adult, although my parents always stressed friendliness growing up. My brother's actually worse than me. He waves to everybody he passes while driving. Maya Angelou's speech at the first inauguration of President Clinton in 1992 really influenced me. She wrote a poem that basically stresses the importance of saying hello to people. Here let me look it up, it ends with:

Here on the pulse of this new day/ You may have the grace to look up and out/And into your sister's eyes/Into your brother's face, your country/And say simply/ Very simply/ With hope/Good morning.

Greeting people helps me sustain relationships and connect in meaningful ways.

TC: Is there anybody on this campus that you would consciously not say hello to?

MG: No, there is nobody on this campus I would not greet in passing.

TC: What about Stalin? Would you say hi to him?

MG: That's a pretty big hypothetical, but I believe everyone is worthy to say hi to. Who am I to not say hello to someone?

TC: Obviously we could all learn a little bit from you. Thank you.