Cupid's arrow hits the mark in downtown Midd The Campus scopes out the goods for your V-day date, so you don't have to

Author: Kelly Janis

Blossom Basket owner Sandy Burkholder is enamored with all the trappings of Valentine's Day. "It's an old, old, old tradition that just lives on," Burkholder said. "It's a time of love, sharing and people thinking of other people." Fortunately for retailers like Burkholder, that warm sentiment is often reinforced with cold, hard cash. "It's a busy time," Burkholder smiled. "The shop is nuts. We have lines out the door."

According to The Society of American Florists, Valentine's Day is the number one floral market holiday. In 2005, consumers purchased an estimated 180 million roses in preparation for the glory day of all that is pink and sappy. While Blossom Basket's Jack Burkholder insists that "one hundred premium long-stemmed roses" is simply the only way to go, what about those seeking a more creative (and less expensive!) way to woo the object of their affection and avoid being smited by Cupid? The Campus shot an arrow into the heart of some sure bets certain to make your Valentine swoon.



Rainbow Room

Since Rainbow Room has not yet received its shipment of "Strip Checkers" and "Chocolate Boyfriends," flashy jars of "Tom & Sally's Chocolate Body Paint" are situated at the forefront of its Valentine's Day marketing scheme. The paint comes equipped with a dainty wooden brush and simple instructions: "Heat to 98.6∞, apply liberally and let your imagination run free Ö" What if your love melts away before the jar's eight servings of chocolate do? It's "great on ice cream, too," the label assures its potential buyers.



Ben Franklin

With heart doilies, cookie cutters and stickers galore, Ben Franklin's stock is reminiscent of more innocent Valentine's Days gone by, the ones where every buoyant second-grader in the class would be the proud recipient of a "Twisted Wild Whiskers" mini Valentine card to avoid tears and angry parental phone calls. If wildlife isn't your taste, Ben Franklin still has you covered with Barbie, "Pirates of the Carribean," Tweety, Hello Kitty, "Cars," Disney Princesses, Strawberry Shortcake and virtually every other children's character fathomable. Should you manage to tear yourself away from the candy rack (which contains a bizarre, slightly less-than-romantic chocolate Valentine shaped like a fish, adorned with images of worms and declaring "You're a Reel Catch!"), the exhilarating "toys downstairs" sign points to a realm of cuddly, heart-splattered stuffed animals by the makers of Beanie Babies - a pink giraffe named Blushed, a white dog known as Sweetly and a bear who calls himself Always, holding "a rose just for you, with love."



Kinney Drugs

Kinney Drugs boasts the quintessentially tacky smorgasbord of offbeat gifts which make Valentine's Day shopping so enjoyably peculiar. Beside the two-foot tall Valentine's Day cards dripping with glitter was a rack of "Prince Frogheart" stuffed animals with tags reading "squeeze me, I ribbit!" Crouching in the sea of frogs lies a lone, dejected stuffed bear. Unlike his froggy counterparts, he is nameless, and in possession of a far more ambiguous tag - "makes fun sound," it promises. What can a shopper do but squeeze him and see? Even after plentiful experimentation, however, it is still uncertain whether his characteristic utterance can best be described as "smooching" or "writhing in agony."

Those proceeding further down the aisle are confronted by a saxophone-clutching orangutan in sunglasses whose packaging beckons, "I sing and dance. Try me!" Shoppers daring enough to press the magical button are serenaded by a primate belting "How Sweet It Is To Be Loved By You" Ö for a long, long time, much to thrill of fellow shoppers.

Around the next bend lurks a deck of cards labeled "Love Truth or Dare." Its package paints an edgy, risquÈ picture, emphasizing that this is a game for adults only; children under sixteen are decidedly prohibited. Hmm, promising. A product to rival "Tom & Sally's Chocolate Body Paint?" Not so much, given its shocking "truths" ("Kevin Costner's best movie was ____. Kevin Costner's worst movie was ____. Why?") and scandalous "dares" ("For the rest of the game you must act overly happy, loving, thoughtful and romantic. If you do not act this way for the rest of the game, lose 5 points.")

Further down the way lies the product for those for whom Christmas lights simply are not enough: 15 feet of "Valentine Mini Lights," suitable for both indoor and outdoor use. Unlike the flames of passion, "bulbs remain lit even if one burns out!" But, beware. The package warns that "handling the coated electrical wires of this product exposes you to lead, a chemical known to the State of California to cause cancer, birth defects and other reproductive harm." Well, that sort of kills the mood.

If all this talk of lead poisoning and Kevin Costner leaves you feeling a little blue and you decide at once that Valentine's Day is simply a construct of confectioners, florists and greeting card companies meant to siphon dollars from love struck consumers and remind the lonely and lovelorn how pathetic they are, the health, beauty and cosmetics aisles offer ample means of self-sabotaging your Valentine's gift-giving: "NuVectin Advanced Wrinkle Therapy for Fine Lines & Deep Wrinkles," "Certain Dri Prescription Strength Anti-Perspirant" and "Extra Strength Rogaine" (in "Spring Bloom Soft Floral Scent" for women, and "Ocean Rush Cool Fresh Scent" for men.)



Sweet Cecily

Now that you've had your "down with Valentine's Day!" epiphany, it's time to bandage your wounds with "Boo Boo Kisses - Accoutrements for First Aid." The package of 15 lip-shaped, die-cut sterile strips (with an enigmatic "free toy inside!") is "perfect for cuts, scrapes, love-bites or other minor boo-boos."

If you still happen to be in the giving mood once your wounds are tended to, why not show your dog a little love with "My Doggy Paw of Approval," all-natural pet treats "tested in the MyDoggy kitchens and stamped with the paw of approval for their flavor and taste"?





Blue Moon

If, for all his tail-wagging and slobber, Sparky simply isn't cutting it as a Valentine, perhaps it's time to tread back onto the human market. But take it slowly. The "Casanova: The World's Greatest Lover" action figure is an ideal starting block.

The Barbie doll-esque box housing the smartly attired charmer boasts that Casanova - also known as Giovanni Giacomo - is "more than just a lover!" Indeed, he claims to have been a secretary, solider, preacher ("Casanova originally planned to be a man of the cloth, but was expelled from seminary school for scandalous conduct"), alchemist, gambler, violinist, spy, journalist, fugitive, author, traveler, diplomat, entrepreneur and librarian; nowadays, though, he keeps it simple and cites his occupation as "adventurer, author and lover." His "weapon of choice"? Why, seduction, of course.

Still not convinced that this self-described "promiscuous and unscrupulous lover" is your type? Flip over the box for a more explicit rundown. "Casanova's irresistible charm and casual good looks led to intimate relations with over 100 women." So he's been around the block. "His power of seduction was so strong that he had affairs with older women, younger women, married women and even a nun." Certainly, you have a chance! "Detailed accounts of each of his sexual encounters are recorded in his 12 volume autobiography, The History of My Life." Hmm, so he kisses and tells sometimes. Nothing to worry about, though, I'm sure.

Well, then again, perhaps there is one drawback. Our beloved Casanova's boasting is ironically marred by the obligatory choking hazard posted on the front of his box - "Warning: Small parts."



So the tiresomely clichÈ heart-shaped boxes of chocolate and bountiful bouquets of roses are not the sole remedies to Cupid's slings
and arrows. With a little savvy, the lovesick Middlebury shopper is destined to snag a gift certain to charm, amuse and provoke a little laughter at romance's expense.