Helicopter parents too close for comfort?

Author: Joseph Bergan and Thomas Brant

College is one of those "big moments" in a person's life where everything seems to change. We ditch backpacks for messenger bags, swap a cozy room just outside of Boston for a cramped cinder block barrack and leave our parents for a stranger who may turn out to be our best friend or our worst nightmare. This last transition is often the most difficult. Leaving the home is one of the most successful themes explored in the modern narrative, and any family living with one of its members in college knows why this separation creates great drama. The child changes and the parents remain the same (or vice versa), and someone feels cheated.

However, some parents try and cheat this. A recent article on ABCNEWS.com discusses a new phenomenon in families with children in college - "helicopter parents." These parents are so named because of the two benevolent and malevolent functions of a helicopter - a beacon of hope and safety able to reach anywhere, and a missle-firing war machine ready to kill at a moments notice. The fact is that these parents hover and heavily influence their child's social, academic and personal lives.

The notion of tightening parent-student relations emerged at Middlebury in spring 2006 with influential research conducted by Elena Kennedy '06 and Associate Professor of Psychology Barbara Hofer, entitled, "The Electronic Tether: Parental Contact, Autonomy, and Self-Regulation in Emerging Adulthood." The study achieved national attention in May of that year in a Newsweek article as well as being presented at major professional conferences.

In recent years, Hofer and her students have also examined behavior at the University of Michigan - responding to notions that perhaps a small liberal arts school may provide only one sample.

"The data at Michigan was almost indentical," said Hofer, who found that students communicate with their parents and average of 13 times per week by telephone, chat or e-mail.

We boast of ourselves as independent spirits - but are we just present at college as Mom and Dad continue to swoop in and tackle any obstacle? The Campus delved into a first-year dorm on Fall Family Weekend, observing the parent-student dynamic in action and surveyed more than 100 students to better understand this dynamic in greater depth.


Parents swoop in for a closer look at student life during Family Weekend

Every year, a new class of first-years must learn a whole new set of building nicknames and acronyms, find a favorite dining hall and deal with this thing called "college life." The members of the Class of 2011, albeit more numerous than usual, seem to have adjusted relatively well to the college routine. But what about their parents (the ever-dominant financial and emotional foundation in a student's life)? How do parents feel about the first year of college?

Aside from not quite a day and a half of orientation, first-year parents have not oriented themselves to the campus as thoroughly as their children. Therefore, they have had to make adjustments and learn to cope with having their precious 18 year-olds in a place that is unfamiliar to them.

Obviously, communication between parents and students forms a significant aspect of the changing relationship.

"I e-mail him about every day," said Mary Opila, mother of Chris Opila '11, from Scottsdale, Ariz., who currently calls Stewart Hall his home. As expected, he is sometimes less than enthusiastic about returning those calls from home.

"I respond to about one of every five calls," he said. For the Opila family, the communication game is an evolution.

"In the first two weeks, we talked a lot," said Mary Opila. But as her son's life has normalized, the family usually sticks to two calls a week. "Although, when there's an issue like, 'what size t-shirt do you wear, Mom?' I hear about that. In those cases, it is short and sweet," she added.

Two phone calls a week is also usual in the Rubin-Crump family. Clara Rubin-Crump's '11 mother, Mium Rubin-Crump, she said that the conversation topics are usually mundane.

"Usually it's 'Mom, I need more toothpaste,'" she said. However, conversations can drift into the academic sphere.

"Clara told me when she got stuff graded that she was doing okay," Mium Rubin-Crump said.

Some parents prefer a decidedly hands-off approach while their child ventures in to college.

"Our parenting style is not to do for our children what they can do for themselves," said Mary Opila. "The relationship is between the College and the student, not the College and the parent." In the Opila home, Mom and Dad act as act as "a sounding board," and Chris Opila calls home "when he just needs to vent," said Mary Opila.

"He knows when he's in over his head," she said. By letting Chris Opila deal with problems on his own, he can prove that he can take care of himself.

Similarly, the Rubin-Crumps have never contacted the school - in fact, they claim they would not even know how to do so.

This relaxed communication trend extends to the Voit family from Seattle, Wash. Jan Voit, whose child Jay Voit '11 is a first-year at the College, said that they talk on the phone about once every week. However, the same courtesy does not appear to be extended to Steve Voit, Jay's father.

"He doesn't call - he doesn't write," Steve Voit said.

Most parents seem relatively content to know that their children are healthy and happy. Fall Family Weekend is the perfect time for parents to find out first-hand what they have heard about these past weeks.

"I love getting to meet her friends, see her room and see what's going on," said Mium Rubin of visiting her daughter.

"We have enjoyed the opportunities to meet Jay's close friends and suitemates and see where his classes are," said Jan Voit. Jay explained that during Fall Family Weekend, he and his parents have spent time talking one-on-one, more so than they do when he is at home.

The Weekend can also be the perfect time to do a "helicopter fly-by" over the uncharted territory of Middlebury.

"We knew very little beforehand," said Jan Voit. "But we took that as evidence that things were going great."

Jay smiled in agreement.

"We only know what Chris chooses to share," said Mary Opila. However, she added that, being in town for Fall Family Weekend, she has learnt more about his experience.

Parents without helicopter tendencies have found Fall Family Weekend intrusive into the college sphere.

"I feel like we definitely interrupt her schedule," said Clara Rubin-Crump's father, Jim Crump.

Although Clara Rubin-Crump has returned home once already, the family is trying to make a conscious effort not to infringe upon her college experience, even though they do live in Vermont. Clara's siblings, brothers Zevi Rubin-Crump and Asa Rubin-Crump and sister Annette Rubin-Crump, remained quiet about the absence of their sister from the family nest, but Asa Rubin-Crump seemed quite content perched on his older sister's lap, enjoying an ice cream cone in Ross dining hall.

It appears that most Middlebury first-years are free from "helicopter parents." Perhaps the global reach of the College contributes to parents' views towards holding on tightly to children.

"We're practically on the same continent now!" Mium Rubin-Crump said, referring to Clara Rubin-Crump's last year as an exchange student in Turkey. However, sometimes Middlebury can seem worlds away from everything students have left behind. Like extraterrestrials navigating intergalactic space, members of the Class of 2011 and their parents are exploring new frontiers - and at this moment the galaxy is peaceful as a helicopter-free zone.