sexsage

Author: Sage Bierster

Screwing, nailing, pounding - no, we're not talking about building a house. We're talking about sex - specifically, an aggressive form of sex that is for and by men, and where women are passive. A quick search for synonyms of "copulation" on the Internet Web site sex-lexis.com reveals that many common euphemisms we use to talk about sex not only suggest that men are the ones having sex, but also that sex should be violent. There is slamming, poking, plugging, boning, banging and ramming, just to name a few. Some of you might ask if there is indeed a problem in using these words. Even if their implied meaning has a negative connotation, we all recognize that women and men are on an equal playing field when it comes to sex no matter how we talk about it.

Or do we? The problem with using these and other terms to describe the act of sex is that they carry a sexual message that excludes women. Even though the modern feminist movement has made significant improvements in phasing out the most pervasive kinds of misogyny, words like "screwing" are still in use. These words are sexual baggage from another era when women were expected to be submissive to men and reflect the overwhelming power that men had both in and out of the bedroom. Thankfully, times have changed, yet somehow "ramming" remains.

Unfortunately we in American society haven't been able to fully embrace the idea of women being in control. Yes, we have "Sex in the City," but too often this and other programs can be dismissed as promoting a hypersexualized version of women where we are just as "f--- 'em and leave 'em" as men. It is not a question of women being promiscuous so much as being able to initiate an encounter and take charge in bed. As many of my female friends have lamented, we still feel like we shouldn't be the ones to go in for the kiss, say "let's go back to my place," ask if their partner has a condom or even to request more foreplay or a certain position in bed.

We don't feel like we are being assertive so much as aggressive, and this makes us feel like sluts. And some men agree that they don't enjoy when women are the ones who initiate, and some men even suggest that they get turned off by the role-switch, finding themselves being pursued when they think they should be pursuing. Of course, when they are encouraged to talk about sex only in terms of what they did to the woman, of how they "banged" her, then they will start to associate female assertiveness with a turn-off and feeling emasculated.

The bottom line is that women and men should be able to enjoy sex equally, which means they both should be participating in the initiation and in the act itself. This will require the elimination of "nailed" from our vocabulary and replacing it with words that are female-positive or gender-neutral. A short list of suggestions from friends includes pocketing, cupping, bumping, riding, breaking, jumping, grabbing and holding. Whatever the terminology, the point is to question what we deem acceptable behavior for women and realize that we all just want to get laid.