M.L. on the N.F.L. "Effective as a chaste prostitute"

Author: Mary Lane

Yesterday I succumbed to a pop-up and started watching Peyton Manning's MasterCard "Priceless Pep Talks." The fun thing about the site is that you enter a name and, voila, Peyton uses that name in a pep talk. I picked "My New Job Scares Me." Oh, this is too good. "Eli, the game of life isn't gonna win itself," Peyton said.

Neither is the game of football for Eli. On Nov. 25, in a 41-17 loss against the Vikings, Eli Manning went 21-for-49 for 273 yards for one touchdown and four interceptions, three of which were returned for touchdowns. And Peyton trudged all the way to New Jersey to see this? (This brings up another important question - why can't New York have its teams in its own state? Logic, anyone?)

"It's not necessarily that we have a good read on Eli," Vikings safety Darren Sharper said. "I just think we have played well against him the last couple of times." Translation: "It's not necessarily that we were good, it's just that his attempts to not throw interceptions are about as productive as a chaste prostitute."

It's ironic that a safety said such a comment, as one of Manning's main problems is that he stares down receivers. Safeties know how to read eyes (with his dashing good looks, southern Virginia origins and enough confidence in his masculinity to wear tight purple pants, Sharper can read mine anytime), and Sharper proved no exception in this game.

Despite my Eagles' loss this week to Seattle, I can console myself with the fact that the Eagles have the most interceptions against Eli - 9 in the past 7 games. I find the fact that ESPN created a "Who has the most interceptions against Eli" chart very amusing.

Staring down receivers is only one of many examples of how Eli's problem lies in his personality and intelligence level (i.e. he's a stupid wimp). Even his personnel isn't defending him. "The quarterback has gotten skittish, for whatever reason," said Giants General Manager Jerry Reese of Eli. When asked what he thought of such a barb, Eli muttered, "I don't really know what that means." If only Reese had used smaller words. Then Eli could have gone off the handle like in his little hissy fit against Tiki Barber in August.

We shouldn't be surprised Eli doesn't know the word "skittish." Peyton graduated from college Phi Beta Kappa while Eli "studied" marketing but still can't market himself as a guy who can make his own decisions. Daddy Archie can make them for him. In April 2004, when the San Diego Chargers said they were going to draft Eli, Archie made a quick stop into their offices to tell them not to draft his son. Don't like your job? Get Pops to call your future boss and get you out of it.

At least in this week's 21-16 win against the Chicago Bears, multiple receivers were spread well enough across the field so that Eli had fewer chances to screw up. Receivers David Tyree and Amani Toomer did a lot in the second half to carry the game, and a tighter defense, particularly in the second half ensured that the Bears had no TDs past TE Desmond Clark's in the first quarter.

Eli will never be as good as Peyton. That bird has flown, and until he gains some intelligence and composure, he will remain always mediocre, sometimes horrible and a consistent reminder to us ladies that - Darren Sharper aside - sensitive, attractive guys aren't always a good option.