a preface to lunch Loose Change

Author: James O'Brien

During Winter Break, while the religious folk were busy gathering frankincense and myrrh to prepare for the birth of Jamie Lynn Spears' little messiah, I was sitting on my couch, sorting through America's problems for the Barack Obama campaign. Barack's people called me years ago when he first ran for the Senate because he needed some help figuring out what America wants to hear - I've been working for him ever since. Through extensive research, I helped to discover something that politicians have known for years: Americans are not content with their lives, and this fact will swing every single political election until little Jesus Lynn Spears is old enough to show the world that love is the answer.

Let's look at recent American history. Our 42nd president, William Jefferson Clinton, was a Rhodes Scholar, a terrific saxophonist and a hit with the ladies. After eight years, America just didn't feel good. So we came up with reasons for our discontent - or the Republicans did. America is morally bankrupt, they said, and it's all thanks to Big Bill and the Dems. So we elected George W. Bush, a D student and former alcoholic who looked like a monkey. And we got change. Bush decided that war was the best idea for the country. And we looked around and thought, "Yeah, our lives aren't great … and they're in danger!" To war we went. And then the war went on too long, and we all started to make a weird face - we looked like a bad guy in one of the "Mission Impossible" movies. The war had pulled off its incredibly life-like mask and showed that it was not a war at all. It was Tom Cruise. And we were pissed.

So you would figure that we would want Bush gone to bring in the Vietnam vet, water-sport enthusiast, long-headed John Kerry. But discontented America still sometimes likes to do the unexpected. America is spiteful. So collectively we said, what the hell? Tom Cruise isn't that bad, right? Remember "Top Gun?" The part when he sings?

So as Obama - his first name was Reginald back then - was sizing up his presidential campaign, I told him two things: first, he would have to change his name to Barack. And second, he would have to become black.

At first, he was skeptical, but I told him my two principles to remember: First, America is tricky and second, America is unhappy with itself, no matter what. Obama wanted to fire me. He said that America would never elect a black man. I told him that, on the contrary, he would fill the void left by David Palmer on "24." America finally knows that a black man can run the country - they just don't know why. After you are elected, I told Barack, the people will also surprise themselves by demanding that Obama name Kiefer Sutherland, star of "The Lost Boys," to head the CIA. I told him not to be alarmed.

What other advice did I give to Barack's people? Say more stuff that will outrage the average American. Like, remember when Obama admitted that he had experimented with cocaine? That was my idea. He never did cocaine or even Coca-Cola (he was actually really into Surge before they took it off the market), but I figured his cokehead confession would gain him a few points in the polls. At first, it seemed like my strategy had backfired. The Evangelicals and the Spears myrrh-gatherers were abhorred. So was my grandmother, in fact. She said something stereotypical like, "Well … I never!" when she heard Barack's confession on the news. But who is Grandma voting for? Obama! Because Grandma loves cocaine and so does America.

I suggested that the sequel to Obama's book "The Audacity of Hope" should be called "The Audacity of Hope II: America, You Suck and I Can Also Do That As Well." Barack liked the idea, but he said long titles don't sell books. He did, however, agree with my point: Americans are no longer after honesty or hope because they realize those things don't exist. Americans want "change." No one has ever told them they suck. They may be shocked at first, but eventually they will love it because it's something new. It's change.

James O'Brien '10 is a new columnist and an English major from Medfield, Mass.