Shenanigans Insights from intramural sports

Author: Alex Garlick

How does one define character? I have heard that it is what you do when no one else is looking. Since someone is always watching in the claustrophobic social environment that is Middlebury College, we should manipulate this mantra by considering intramural sports - call it the Garlick Corollary. Playing sports at the intramural level allows your true colors to show through, and it is not always pretty. My intramural career is entering its fourth year and has played out on a beautiful ice rink, an outdoor ice rink, two basketball courts, a pressurized bubble that feels like a zit that is about to pop and grass fields ranging from delicately manicured putting greens to mud pits. I have met many characters over this time - some of whom you are sure to recognize.

My least favorite character type is "the guy who does not pass." Undoubtedly, this is one of the most reviled guys - guys is gender delimited - on the field. Listen, we all know you were good in high school and were named to your county's All-Scholastic team in 2004, but everyone is out here to have fun, so pass the rock. (Whoa, I am definitely not qualified to say that - in fact, that is the first time I have ever said that.) The ball hog is probably on the same team as "the guy who dresses up too much." Trust me, the complete soccer kit is not necessary. We are not in La Liga. You are representing Ross Commons, not Real Madrid. So put on a cotton tee shirt, and try to make it not match your shorts, high socks and cleats.

Then you have your lovable losers, a category I myself have unfortunately resided in at times. You have "the sweaty guy," but at least he can get some position in the low post while playing shirts and skins, which is better than "the warm weather guy on the hockey rink." Although, it serves those Southern Californians right when a Canadian twists them into pretzels with a triple-deke, between-the-legs goal - they all grew up with the temperature above 70 degrees.

The lowest form of life on the intramural pitch is the "guy who takes advantage of girls." It feels like you are in a Southwest Airlines, "Wanna get away?" commercial if your teammate plows down the pitch, leaving several members of the fairer gender strewn across the field en route to the goal. However, I get a kick out of "the guy who tries to pick up girls." Who has not seen a hard tackle in co-ed soccer followed by the line, "I'm sorry about that bruise on your upper thigh. Do you want me to come over and check on it later tonight?"

Then there are the degenerates, like "the guy who drinks way too much during softball." This fellow will be asking a bartender for marriage advice in about a dozen years. Speaking of a dozen years from now, that is when we will see an SEC investigation about "the guy who cheats during golf" by lying about the long drive contest. You should also beware of "the varsity player coming off a brutal season-ending loss." Trust me on this one - you are not winning that match, at least not without a few bruises.

There are entire teams with personalities, like "the glory days team" that celebrates their championship harder than anything since their 21st birthdays, which weren't yesterday. Finally, "the team that knows too much about the rules" is fun. This team argues with the ref by saying things like, "Are we playing with NBA or NCAA post-timeout in-bounding regulations?" to which I reply "Have you really memorized this minutiae, or did you stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night?" So please, enjoy the intramural festivities this J-term - just remember that at least one person is judging you.

Alex Garlick '08.5 is a Political Science and Economics major from Needham, Mass.