the ethicist

Author: Amanda Greene

Middlebury needs to bring back the date. I'm not talking about upper Proctor. Girl needs to ask boy to grab some coffee. Boy needs to ask girl out to dinner. Girl needs to invite girl to a concert in Burlington. Dating can be platonic. Middlebury students assume that un-intoxicated one-on-one sexual encounters are only for those with significant others. Asking someone out does not imply that you have thought about the names and physical characteristics of your future children. Curiosity about the boy you always bump into in the laundry room does not mean that you want to meet his parents and see his semi-nude baby picture. Inviting someone to a meal suggests that you are serious about getting to know him. It does not suggest long-term commitment or obligation.

Taking someone out to dinner does not necessitate post meal canoodling. There's nothing wrong with letting crème brulée be the sweetest part of your night. A first date should not be accompanied by expectations. Buying the girl from biology class dinner does not give you late night access to her dorm room. Dating is about getting to know someone, and about letting them know that you are value them as more than a late night hook-up.

To those being asked out - don't over think the circumstances and chart your compatibility with "exciting new other" based on your five-year plan to go to med school and bike across the country. Take the invitation as a compliment. A dinner proposal means that someone thinks you're cute, interesting and exciting. You don't have to eat mushy Ross pasta on a Friday night!

Middlebury students have so much confidence in the classroom and in the job market. Why doesn't this translate into the dating arena? What are we afraid of? Let's make 2008 the year where we act on our attraction! Bringing back the date is Change We Can Believe In.

And now for this week's question:

Q: I recently asked out a girl who lives down my hall. We went to dinner at a nice restaurant and when the bill came she made no effort to offer to pay her half. I know that the meal was my idea, and was planning on covering the entire tab, but thought she should have at least offered to pay for part of dinner. Was it wrong for me to expect her to consider covering part of the expense?
- Exasperated-by-Etiquette

A: Traditionally, when you invite a date to dinner you are expected to pay the bill. The get together was your prerogative so it's appropriate for you to assume fiscal responsibility. But, it's the 21st century and the-times-they-are-a-changin'. Modern dating encourages women to open up their pocketbooks. A polite date would have offered to pay part of the bill. You can choose to accept or decline your date's monetary contribution depending on circumstances - picking up the tab suggests that you are interested in subsequent rendezvous and that you thought the date was a success.

Want to consult the ethicist? Send submissions to amgreene@middlebury.edu