the ethicist

Author: Amanda Greene

I've been thinking a lot about situations that make Middlebury College students feel uncomfortable. I'm not talking about when your scandalous underwear makes an unannounced and unexpected appearance on the laundry room floor. I'm interested in the circumstances that test what we say to those we care about, and how we say it.

Take, for example, your friend Lucy, who you met at the square dance freshman year. The two of you go as far back as college friends can possibly go: you were there when she took her first tequila shot and when she broke up with her long-term high-school boyfriend (on Facebook.) You went to your first SketchCullough dance party together, and ended the night by sharing a Dr. Feel Good. But, now, Lucy is enamored with Tommy and the only places she frequents are class, the dining hall and Tommy's dorm room. It's not just that you never see Lucy, it's that Tommy keeps calling you Kelly and your name is, and always has been, Katie.

So really, what do you do if you don't like your friend's boyfriend? Or her friends? When is it appropriate to voice your concerns, and when should you keep your mouth shut because your words end up being more hurtful than beneficial? Will your candidness help your friend make sense of her relationship or will your comments be interpreted as judgments that doubt her ability to make good decisions?

The answer has to do with how much of your frustrations you address. It's okay to tell your friend that you are concerned about her, and about who she spends time with but don't tell her that you think her boyfriend is a mindless, inconsiderate and cold individual. It's important that you are honest about how you feel, because ignoring your concerns will wear on your conscience. Part of friendship involves breaching difficult subjects, and controversy should not be avoided in order to maintain "peace" because friends are guidance figures of sorts, and their advice is valuable. That said, don't tell your friend you disapprove of her friends, lover, etc. if you don't see any potential change resulting from your remarks. If you think your comments can help your friend grow, voice them - if not, it might be tactful to turn a blind eye.

And now for this week's question:

Q: Every time my friend goes to a party, she "kleptos" a few cans of beer on her way out. She sticks the alcohol in her pants and jacket pockets and usually leaves with around four beer cans. She rationalizes her actions by asserting that staying at the party longer would have resulted in her consumption of the same four beer cans that she is taking. She argues that the individuals who hosted the party would be "out" those four cans regardless of where she consumes them, and makes no distinction between drinking the beer at the party or the following evening in her dorm room. Is this ethical?
- Perturbed-by-Plunder

A: While I admire your friend's rationale and bravado, I do not agree with it. You would not go to a dinner party and fill your plate with seconds you knew you could not finish, and then ask for a doggie bag. The beverages available at parties are to be consumed at parties. If your friend wants to stay until 2 a.m. drinking her fill of alcohol than she is free to do so, but she should not leave the party with more than she came with. People come to parties to mingle, and when your friend takes alcohol, she is sending a message that she views parties as places to exchange drinks, and not as places to hang out and socialize.

Want to consult the ethicist? Send submissions to amgreene@middlebury.edu