J-Spot drives Midd crowd wild Renowned sex educator advocates open communication

Author: H. Kay Merriman

Sex is rarely, if ever, an appropriate topic for dinner conversation with strangers, unless you are eating dinner with Jay Friedman, "the Michael Moore of sex education." Last Thursday, approximately 20 students dined with Friedman before he delivered his talk, "The J-Spot," to a packed Warner Hemicycle. The group shared their sex-ed experiences from middle-and high school.

Caroline Towbin '10.5 recounted an eccentric middle school teacher who gave her students spermicide to taste and encouraged them to play with condoms.

"I was the one who blew up the condom the biggest," joked Towbin.

Rachel Lincoln '08 noted an absence of sex-ed from the curriculum of her high school and I told of the scare tactics and misinformation employed by sensationalist abstinence-only speaker Pam Stenzel, who served as my alma mater's sex educator.

In his speech following the dinner, Friedman noted that America's approaches to sexual education and the inconsistencies among schools "leave us ignorant and confused." Friedman prides himself on being different than other sex educators because he addresses the sociopolitical problems inherent in the United States' sex education system instead of just delivering the standard fare. Energetic, playful and provocative, Friedman did a unique combination of performance and lecture, focusing on the sex facts that American education does not provide and on the methods of other countries for educating their youth on this somewhat controversial topic.

Friedman recommends abiding by the rules of the "three As" when determining whether or not you should have sex with someone. First, you must be able to "affirm." Affirmation, explained Friedman, includes "knowing their name, being able to do it with the lights on and being able to look them in the eyes while doing it." The second qualification is that both partners are ready to "accept responsibility" for their actions and the third is that they should "assure mutual pleasure" for each other.

As Friedman continued, his speech evolved from standard advice to more provocative subject matter, which pleasantly surprised many liberally minded students.

"I didn't think he could do much to provoke us because we think that we are very liberal, but he did," said Lincoln.

Some of Friedman's more stimulating insights included debunking "the myth of blue balls" (no, they are not going to explode), championing masturbation as the best way to practice wearing a condom and ensuring students' knowledge of the clitoris.

"I believe that it's a bit political that we don't learn the pleasure of the clitoris," Friedman said.

In his discussion of sex and politics, Friedman compared the United States to northern Europe. He described the United States' attitude toward sex as "Victorian," citing the outrage and censorship that occurred as a result of Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction. In Sweden, he noted, the American-equivalent of soft core porn is shown regularly on television, but "Star Wars" is not because the Swedes view it as gratuitously violent. Violence on television, he argued, is more damaging to our youth than respectful, consensual sex. Friedman also recalled receiving a free brochure on a train in Sweden that translated useful phrases into six different languages for his use while touring Europe. These phrases included, "I love you," "I want to sleep with you," and "I think that I have a disease." This kind of communication, Friedman emphasized, is key to having healthy sexual relationships - he recommends the "outercourse" of discussion prior to intercourse.

To prove his point about the value of revealing, straightforward sexual education, Friedman showed a clip from a "cartoon-explicit" Scandinavian sex-ed video that is used in middle schools throughout Europe. The film included drawings of the different shapes and sizes of vaginas and a psychedelic orgasm sequence complete with flashing colored lights. The reactions to the film were favorable.

"That video was a trip! I was so pleasantly surprised how it talked about masturbation and the fact that it also featured same-sex couples," said Ryan Tauriainen '08.

Friedman attributed northern Europe's lower rates (as compared to those of the United States) of sexual assault, abortion, teen pregnancy and STDs to the style of education exemplified by the video. Friedman tried to show the film as part of his curriculum when he was working in Vermont at Planned Parenthood, but they would not allow it because of its explicit nature. This conservativism regarding sexual education, Friedman said, is potentially dangerous. After hearing him speak, students agreed.

"I think this was one of the most insightful talks that I have been to on this campus. His points about the relationship between sex and sexism and the social consequences of hindering sex education were very valuable," said Tugce Erten '08.

Friedman concluded his talk by delivering advice for "increasing sexual strength and stamina." "Practice your kegels!" he advised enthusiastically. Kegels, Friedman explained, are the practice of squeezing your pubococcygeus muscles together, and he recommended working up to three-second holds in three sets of 10 per day. Acknowledging the busy schedules of Middlebury students, Friedman suggested exercising while waiting at a red light or eating a meal (even one durign which the topic of conversation is not sex). Judging by the positive response Friedman received, "kegels with your bagels" just might become the new theme of Proctor Sunday brunch.