the ethicist

Author: Amanda Greene

Modern dating is complicated. There comes a time in college student's lives when relationships end, and when squeezing into a twin bed is no longer a routine sleeping arrangement. Break-ups are especially painful, because more often than not, the decision to call it quits is not mutual. When two people stop dating, someone does the dumping and the other person is dumped. In these situations, what is the obligation of the dumper to his former partner? Does his previous affection and care demand that he end the relationship at a time that considers what else his ex has "on her plate"? What about the relationships length? It seems that breaking up with someone you've been dating for two years should be handled differently than the fade-out of a three-weekend fling. Should the dumper be honest about how he feels, or should he leave some information out in order to lessen the sting?

In other words, what are the ethics surrounding break-ups? How can Midd-kids end things and coexist as members of a small, insulated community? Sometimes it's time to reevaluate feelings, but here are a few things to be conscious of when you take a temporary/semi-permanent/permanent break:

Consider whether you think it's more important to be sensitive or honest. For the dumper: is it better to tell someone the detailed circumstances surrounding the changing evolution of your feelings, or should you remain intentionally vague in the interest of sensitivity? Generally, it's best to reveal how you feel, without disclosing the physical characteristics of your new (dark and mysterious) crush. It's important to be honest about how you feel, because drawing out a break-up will only lengthen the extent of your ex's distress. If you've dated someone, you both have built a relationship on trust, and you should not breach this trust just because your feelings have evolved. Honesty is initially more painful and emotionally unsettling, but the truth gives the dumped the information he or she needs in order to come to terms with the circumstances.

Yet, you should be sensitive as to the timing of the break-up. For example, no dumping after (or during!) sex, in the middle of mid-term week, on the morning of the MCATs and on anniversaries. These "no dump" occasions might seem like obvious "don'ts" but I've heard horror stories about each of these circumstances.

To the dumped: The important thing to remember is that no one likes breaking up. Not even the initiator. It's hard to gather the courage necessary to confront someone you love/d. It's also important not to forget all of the good things, and how happy and lucky you both were. And, it's okay to hate him, for now. Breaking up hurts, but it's a chance to brush up on your pick-up lines. Are you a tamale, 'cause you're hot!

And now for this week's question:

Q: I'm currently dating someone but am attracted to someone else. I want to break things off with my boyfriend, but am not sure whether I should tell him about my new love interest? Is it better to fully disclose the situation, or should I divulge less out of consideration for my boyfriend's feelings?

- Distressing about Confessing

A: In this situation, there is no reason to tell your boyfriend about the other boy. Your boyfriend, as the dumped, is emotionally vulnerable. His relationship to you is not affected by your current love interest. If your boyfriend finds out about the new boy, so be it, but you there's no need for you to tell him something that will further upset him. The decision to keep certain information to yourself, is a sign of consideration and reflects your maturity and concern for your ex's emotional wellbeing.

Want to consult the ethicist? Send submissions to amgreene@middlebury.edu