op-ed Why wasn't I invited to the party?

Author: Sarah Luehrman

I am a student at Middlebury College who can hardly be called a minority in any way - I "sit in a place of privilege … in sex, race, class, orientation [and] citizenship," according to Ryan Tauriainen's op-ed that appeared in last week's Campus ("Factcheck: the gay experience at Middlebury"). Yes, I am in the majority in all of those categories, a white, straight woman from just outside of Boston. But that does not make me limited in any way, and I'm tired of people telling me that it does.

Ryan, why wasn't I invited to your party? You admit that the invite list was "strictly GLBT" (a telling adverb, I might point out), and go on to suggest (rather than assert?) that "open-minded straight people" were welcome to attend. Thanks, but when I don't know that the party's happening, how can I possibly get the message that I am welcome? I can assure you that I am a very open-minded straight person. I've even lived with a gay man, who I know will attest to my open-minded-ness. He was actually kind enough to invite me to queer-oriented functions when we were living together, and I assure you that I had more class and more discretion than to tap a gay couple on the shoulder and give them a big hearty thumbs-up and a smile.

My anecdote might not measure up to your impressive list of roommates and friends who are different from you, but that's not entirely my fault. I am effectively closed off from the Middlebury gay community. Apparently being open-minded isn't enough to be viewed as worthy of a secondhand invite to your party. I have been on campus for just as long as you, Ryan, and you win - you've got more international and gay friends than I do. That is because I haven't actively sought to befriend any group of people over any other, gay or straight, American or international. The reason that parties are composed of mostly white people at this school is that the majority (the vast majority, I should say) of our student body is white. I can't make the same statement about gay people because I can't eyeball a person and correctly identify his or her sexual orientation, but if you insist that the majority is outwardly straight, I'm perfectly willing to believe you.

Actually, I'll tell you something - I don't feel very comfortable attending social house parties, either. If I do, it's rarely ever with my boyfriend - when we dance together at parties like that, we feel a little conspicuous (even "awkward," to use your word) and prefer to just go with our friends to have fun. Just because we're both straight and everyone around us is also straight doesn't mean we feel comfortable displaying our relationship in front of lots of people we don't know. But I can say one thing for social house parties - at least I know when and where they're happening and I can decide myself whether to participate.

You say that you are trying to provide a community for gay students who need a safe environment, Ryan, and I support that endeavor. I can't speak from experience - but it doesn't surprise me that Middlebury isn't necessarily an easy place to be out. But here's where I can speak from experience: by doing things like having parties to which you only invite queers, you are excluding a great number of people who might have something positive to contribute to that community. You might even be alienating some gays who don't want to exclude people like me (they do exist). You say that "only two of the students living in the Queer Studies House next year identify as 'gay'" - do you wonder why? I don't know, either, but from my perspective, atop my privileged throne, your community is exclusive, and I think that may have something to do with it. I hope that despite my privilege, you see fit to take me seriously.

I wrote this piece out of an honest desire to express my opinion. I am not crusading against you, Ryan, and I don't claim to represent anyone but myself. I'm not asking you to step down from these issues. But, please, stop trying to claim ownership of Middlebury's gay community by deciding who gets to come to your parties and who doesn't. When you call gay students "my members," that is essentially what you are doing.

Sarah Luehrman '08 is from Belmont, Mass.