Shenanigans Obama who? 2004 revisited

Author: Alex Garlick

What would this campaign cycle look like if John Kerry had won the 2004 election? The Democratic nominee lost Ohio by only 100,000 votes, or just about the attendance at an Ohio St. football game. His cumbersome slogan was to make America, "Stronger at home and more respected in the world." It wasn't quite "Yes we can" and instead of landing him in the Oval Office it parked him next to Michael Dukakis in the history books under the title, "Unsuccessful presidential candidates from Massachusetts" or as they are more commonly known, "Irrelevant, silly liberals." For a peek into that alternate universe, The Campus scored an exclusive interview with President Kerry as he gears up for his re-election campaign.

The Campus: What has been your best accomplishment these past four years Mr. President?

John Kerry: Probably divorcing my wife… just kidding, that only worked for Nicholas Sarkozy. I would say it was probably ending the Iraq War.

TC: Your opponent in this election, John McCain, has said that he wants to re-invade Iraq to end the sectarian violence, what are your thoughts?

JK: And he also said he wanted to stay there for 100 years! In terms of the violence, there was ethnic strife and unrest in that region long before the United States got involved, and it is presumptuous of the United States to believe that we could fix all of their problems by forcing a democracy upon them. Listen, I was right in 2004, this was the wrong war in the wrong place at the wrong time.

TC: But didn't you also vote to give President Bush the authorization to invade Iraq?

JK: You're right, I did, and it almost cost me the election. It was the biggest mistake of my career, but at the time the Bush Administration had us convinced that there was a connection between Iraq and Al-Qaeda and that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction - good thing we got out of there when we did.

TC: What is your opinion of the current state of our economy?

JK: The sub prime mortgage crisis and the housing slowdown would have happened regardless of who was in office, so this recession that we're in was probably inevitable.

TC: How do you think we should get out of it?

JK: I'll tell you what we shouldn't do, and that's write everyone a $600 check to "stimulate" the economy. Where do you think that money comes from? It comes from the taxpayers-we would just be giving Americans their own money and then asking them for it back in higher taxes down the line.

TC: What are your biggest regrets about your administration so far?

JK: Probably giving Hillary Clinton my phone number at the White House, she is obsessed with talking on the phone at 3am. Also, my health care plan was never enacted, so I am proposing a new plan.

TC: In 2004, wasn't your health care proposal a bureaucratic nightmare that raised costs without providing universal coverage?

JK: Well, now I have a new health care plan.

TC: How is it different?

JK: It is just like the old system and we will be keeping all the insurance companies, we are just going to mandate coverage, even for people that do not want it or cannot afford it.

TC: Isn't that what Massachusetts is doing now, and can't afford?

JK: I actually did not support this plan before I supported it.

TC: What? Anyways, do you ever ask George W. Bush for advice?

JK: Actually, ever since he became the Commissioner of Major League Baseball, George has been hard to get on the phone. What would I ask him about anyways… the Red Sox?

TC: Why are you not picking John Edwards to be on your ticket this year?

JK: He lost those boyish good looks that helped us in 2004.

TC: Any idea who the VP nominee will be?

JK: Well, I have narrowed it down to Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, and you would not believe how hard of a decision it is.

Alex Garlick '08.5 is a Political Science Major from Needham, Mass.