Across the pond

Author: Adam Clayton

Middlebury has always prided itself on being somewhat different. Our international emphasis, environmental awareness and unique locale are pushed by the administration as reasons to come to Middlebury instead of the many other equivalent schools. Personally it was the Feb program, but a professional football club would have sealed my decision.

It worked out fine, but there are some areas where Middlebury could chose to take a more unique stand and generally improve the life of the students. For the latter, my recent experience with Public Safety has made me re-think the meaning of public safety. Public Safety can be harmless and caring people crisscrossing campus on bikes looking out for our well-being. Alternatively it is a name that evokes the above but actually harbors a sinister authoritarian objective - the profiling and identification-demanding agents of an Orwellian regime trying to stifle individual freedom and control the weekend gathering capabilities of the "working class" of this society (the students).

Middlebury would do well to continue its tradition of standing out in a meaningful way. We own language schools, an affiliate graduate school and a ski resort - but we do not as of yet own a sports team. Middlebury has around one billion dollars in endowment, and I have no idea what they invest in. It's probably too boring and overly complicated to warrant a closer look. Yet I do know Middlebury is looking for socially responsible investments, and would love to raise their profile in the process.

Nothing fits this more soundly then the purchase of a sports team, specifically a football club (except Liverpool, Real Madrid or Leeds), all of which are within our financial grasp. Football clubs lift people out of poverty, bring people together to have fun (unlike public safety, which shuts those events down) and doesn't discriminate against people of color (apparently, another point of contrast with our campus' security apparatus). Most of all, it would put Middlebury on the global map. We would go from being esteemed among elite Northeast families to a recognized name in a majority of European, African, Asian and South American communities.

Several questions arise, most obviously for the Middlebury administration - how could we get this on the website and will this improve our all-important college ranking? Well, we could name the team Middlebury, remortgage its assets (so we don't lose too much in the endowment and drop in the rankings), and use Middlebury College as a sports affiliate/feeder program, giving us the most enviable football team in NESCACs and some cool pictures for the Website. (Don't worry administration, we'll only sign photogenic players with exotic names and unique life experiences). More international students will apply to the College because of exposure, thus resolving another of Middlebury's dearly held goals. If the clubs profits are all re-invested in the team and the college, we might even make this a charitable enterprise exempt from taxation.

Hopefully we can then go and hire Jose Mourinho before someone else picks him up, ensuring on-field football success and a sizeable profit immune to economic fluctuations and recession.

Ultimately we could set up thousands of Middlebury youth football schools with the unique 'Middlebury' academic element, grooming kids for Premier League football or a place at Middlebury - unless they don't pan out, in which case they can try out for the MLS, or a place at Bowdoin.