campuscharacter Howard skyrockets to Middlebury fame "The next Nick Jansen" 'fesses up on Midd Confessional

Author: Tess Russell

If you have been frequenting www.middleburyconfessional.com since the controversial Web site went live last week, you have probably had at least a few good laughs. You might also be grappling with certain important questions regarding the darker, more vicious elements at work on our seemingly cordial campus. Still, despite these weighty concerns about our sensitivity as a community toward issues like cheating and diversity, one query has pretty much superseded the rest in the mind of the casual confessor - who is Kyle Howard, and how do we separate the man from the myths?

"It's all true," Howard, a San Francisco, C.A.-native, joked over dinner at Ross Dining Hall. "I think it got started because I have this habit of answering every question with the word 'party.' I should warn you that you're probably not going to get very far with this interview."

Indeed, Howard's cyber-celebrity was originally borne of the thread naming the "Biggest Party Animals" at the College, though his name immediately began to pop up in almost every other context imaginable. "Kyle Howard played Beirut on a 1000 ft. table with Yahweh and won." "An asteroid didn't wipe out the dinosaurs - Kyle Howard did." "Kyle Howard makes mean backcountry pizza." And, as part of a deleted conversation about attractive non-white students, "Kyle Howard's mom is one-eighth African." (Howard maintained that he is at least as African as Leonardo DiCaprio's character in the film "Blood Diamond.")

The identity of the phenomenon's instigator is unconfirmed, though sources close to Howard believe the perpetrator is none other than "Bob Dylan kid" himself (real name - Matt Shandorf '10). Howard, for his part, is taking it all in stride - he noted that his friends have always seemed to get a rise out of messing with him and that he is "happy to be along for the ride."

Thus far, his newfound notoriety has been treating him well. One of Howard's professors, Assistant Professor of American Studies and Film and Media Culture Jason Mittell, recently engaged Howard and classmate Steve McCombe '10 - the prolific "I'M A DINOSAUR" poster - in a lively verbal contest. Howard has also witnessed a dramatic swell in the ranks of his female admirers.

"It's been the best four days of my life," Howard said. "I introduce myself as 'Kyle," but once they hear the 'Howard,' it's like a constant stream. We've had to institute a waiting list."

That is not to suggest that Howard has ever had trouble wooing the ladies. A few weeks ago, finding himself with the urge to hone his athletic physique and further improve his "dexterity" (Howard is a karate enthusiast and skied competitively until he tore his ACL), he ventured out onto his Lang floor at 12:30 a.m. to make use of a ceiling protrusion particularly well-suited for pull-ups. Within minutes, three girls had emerged from adjacent rooms, complaining that he was groaning too loudly.

But Martin Box '10, who identified himself as Howard's "publicist" and tried to hold out for front-page coverage, set the record straight.

"Actually, the girls sat and watched with pleasure," Box clarified. "Sometimes Kyle gets confused about these things."

Box also encouraged those interested in seeing the legendary Howard in action to attend an upcoming Kyle-themed party that will be held in Gifford this Friday. The first 100 entries will be rewarded with masks featuring Howard's likeness and revelers will undoubtedly catch a glimpse of the guest of honor doing what he loves most - partying.

Appraising Howard's nocturnal talents, Box remarked, "Kyle Howard once did a root beer kegstand for 12 seconds."

But if Howard, who does not contribute to the wealth of commentary about him on the site that everyone loves to hate, had to write his own confession, what would he say?

"I have a theory," Howard explained, "that every guy is secretly gay for himself."

And there you have it.