tell 'em thompson

Author: Thompson Davis

You can keep your friends, your pint glass and your cane - all I want out of Middlebury is my diploma. And I want it now. I want it before the higher ups realize that I'm a credit shy and a few payments behind. I want it so I can show it to my mom and make her cry tears of joy. Listed below are 10 reasons why I'm not going to graduate.

1. Death

I might die before I get the opportunity to walk. Over the past few weeks I have been experiencing extreme dizziness and shallow breathing. At first I thought it was a hangover, but after a few days of disorientation and headaches, I was certain that I had cerebral meningitis. When I went to the Health Center they told me my symptoms were caused by stress. This was kind of a pain because I wanted pills to get better, but they don't make pills for stress, or at least not ones that you can get without a prescription ­- and I don't smoke pot. Anyway, they had me see this counselor at mental health services. The lady was nice but all we did was talk about my mom, which didn't really help my dizziness at all.

2. Foliage

Spring foliage is out of control. It was only a month ago that the trees looked like shaved Chihuahuas. Everything was cold and wet and I wanted to be out of here. But then, all of a sudden, the campus exploded into Technicolor. I've never done drugs, but being outside this spring must be the same as being outside on LSD during November. Walking across campus is a total trip.

3. Summer Dresses

Summer dresses are dope. All winter long people are these layered, sexually ambiguous blobs. There's a good span of about four months where I can't tell girls apart from boys.

4. Maybe I don't want to graduate.

Bill Gates never graduated. Good career move?

5. Dina Magaril

Dina is my editor and she is fine like Faberge eggs. If she wants to get married I will convert to Judaism even though I am a purebred Roman Catholic. She is seriously hot stuff even though her Russian sandwiches are Spartan and she steals fancy catsup packets from McDonald's.

6. Requirements/Credits

Why is my advisor so hung up on credits? I'm not.

7. I'm failing.

I'm straight up failing. I'm always working on my album and I can't think about anything else. It's coming out senior week and it'll either be self-titled "Thompson," or, alternately "So long Su Tan, Thanks for Everything." I'll be selling it everywhere.

8. I've never gone skiing.

As a freshman I promised myself I would go skiing at least once. I don't think this is possible anymore.

9. I don't want to study for the GREs.

... so I'm not going to grad school.

10. I am ideologically opposed to the idea of growing up

Graduation seems like a pretty bold step into adulthood. I want to be a rebel.

Even though my parents will be disappointed, things could be worse, a lot worse. For starters, I could be addicted to crack or joining the Navy SEALS. What I'm trying to say is that it won't be the end of the world. I'll get to hang out with my Feb friends and usher in a new class of Middlebury kids. Maybe I'll go skiing with somebody. A whole new dimension of experience is opening up to me. This fall is going to be awesome.