A Preface to Lunch

Author: James O'Brien

In deciding who to vote for in the upcoming election, I try to pay very little attention to what candidates actually say-mainly because it is never even vaguely related to what they do once they get elected. At the same time, I can fill you in on what I have managed to gather from casually watching CNN, MSNBC, and all those other channels that combine to serve as the ESPN and Entertainment Tonight of the political world.

Barack Obama, like most human beings, is not content with the way things are.

Let me first say that I like Barack Obama, mostly because of his name. What I don't like about him is that he's taking a cheap angle by making his campaign slogan, "Change!" It's not fair to McCain. He's supposed to be the antagonist here, but he couldn't possibly make his slogan, "Same." Never in the history of the world have people actually been happy with the way things are, because everybody can think of something that they would like improved. As a result, Obama draws big crowds of people willing to hold up silly blue signs. Half of them are just shrugging, saying, "Yeah, I guess things could be better" in an Eeyore voice. The other half are, as we will touch on later, profoundly drunk.

Nevertheless, all of this change talk puts John McCain in a bit of sticky position. I assume that he hasn't been overjoyed by the way things-i.e. the economy-are going, but his voting record does indeed show that he stands with President Bush on most issues. So he is playing to his home crowd. He's countered accusations that he's just like Bush by mumbling, "Eh, maybe..." He then elaborates by saying something like, "Things aren't so bad. We're lucky to be Americans!" This type of comment is then followed by applause, hooting, and chants of "Drill! Drill! Drill!"

John McCain insists that he "is not George Bush."

This is true. I have seen pictures of the two of them standing next to each other.

Pundits are talking about Sarah Palin's pregnant daughter.

America shouldn't care about this. We don't care about pregnancies unless they happen to our relatives or Angelina Jolie. But somehow this has become a big issue with the pundits on MSNBC, CNN etc. Why? Mainly because they need something to talk about-other than the fact that they don't want to be called "pundits" anymore because it's a "very annoying" word. The other reason for this being a topic of significance is that Republicans have made the vague concept of family values so central to their speeches in years past. Dems smell some hypocrisy. How dare Sarah Palin's daughter get pregnant without being in an exclusive, loving relationship legitimized by a marriage license? Had this same thing happened with Barack Obama's daughter, it would have been cause for a Republican uproar over the destruction of the American family. Considering that Obama's oldest daughter is about eleven years old, such an occurrence would also be disconcerting for other reasons.

Everyone at the party conventions is an alcoholic.

I assume that you have seen the clips of convention-goers at both the DNC and the RNC appearing like they are intoxicated from some combination of oil fumes and the vapor of hope. I am sympathetic to these people because two of my good friends are among them, but it seems clear to me that they are all, in fact, drunks. There's no other possible explanation as to why every single one of them sings along with the terrible music blaring over the loudspeakers, dances like Elaine Benes from Seinfeld between speeches, and spontaneously cheers at the conclusion of otherwise unremarkable sentences. These people, along with us here at Middlebury, are making beer companies rich. These people, along with us here at Middlebury, comprise the voting public. Come November, we will decide our own fate. God help us.