Mind your manners, Middlebury

Author: Aylie Baker

My Grandma Jean may have taken to confusing the family dog with Picasso, but her self-imposed commitment to bettering the youth of today has not yet eclipsed her. Indeed, as a distinguished matriarch of 80-odd years (she vows never to divulge her age), she's not out to convert the world's heathens - she's out to reform the behavior of college students. Like a hawk, Grandma circles the children's table where her six-foot tall grandkids cower over their plates, wincing as she lunges to readjust the butter dishes or wage war on a cowlick with a vengeance that would not even escape little Piper Palin.

In all seriousness though, whatever happened to our manners? At college, in our state of unmonitored bliss, we find ourselves on a campus teeming with grievous violations to the Grandma doctrine. While I am in no way an expert on social graces, I shall endeavor to bring to light some of the more immediate affronts to etiquette at Middlebury.

HANDRAISING HOW-TO'S
Don't be tempted to employ the over-the-forehead sling in an attempt to appear earnest. If there's one thing I've learned in college, it's that we are not invisible. Professors see all.

PATHWAY POLITENESS
Two paths diverged on a grassy knoll, and sorry you could not travel both, you ... stopped to engage in idle banter with your suitemate. Fellow Middlebury students, we are all at a crossroads, but venturing off the beaten path inevitably precipitates toe-squelching doom.

DOORWAY DECORUM
Nothing wrankles Grandma like a flimsy door-holder. Strike a balance between the pass-off and door-holding magnamity - you'll be sorry when you become the doorman for an entire tour.

SALAD BAR SMARTS
Go against the flow of traffic at your own risk. Should a space become available mid-transit, you may venture into the mix cautiously but keep in mind that speed is of the essence. When in doubt, honor the sneeze protector rule -- if at any time during your salad-tong maneuvering your chin happens to graze the glass, you know you've reached too far.