Mouts & Shurmurs

Author: Jaime Wheeler

I am surrounded by family and friends in the finance world and, somehow, painful discussions concerning the economy as a result. But their proximity only heightens my sense of ignorance. Shall I use my English major to solve the nation's economic problems? Shall I offer my analysis of Act One of The Tempest? But given the amount of times I've heard idiots liberally toss about precursors implying their understanding of today's problems, maybe it's time we all act. Here's how to apply the economy to your life.

1. On academia: Did you happen to turn in that final paper a bit late during exam week? Well, it's not your fault. With the economy being what it is, as I'm sure you know, it was best for the library to shut down all printers. That conserved paper should be used for drafting new economic plans or starting fires in trashcans to stay warm.

2. Though once you found a printer in, say, Bicentennial Hall, did you then need to drive it to Axinn, for instance? But what's this? A ticket! In this economy, can we really afford a 10-dollar ticket tacked onto our tuition? No. Do you not even have a car on campus? Woe the economy!

3. With a vacation and time to yourself, did you go and see "Twilight?" Were you bothered by porcelain pouts and teen angst so suffocating it crippled all dialogue? Well, of course: scripting words from a book costs money and with today's economy, we can only afford the most crucial ones. Glares must suffice.

4. Did you join the masses in going to the gym during the first week of J-term in hopes of shedding the holiday pounds, attempting to stay faithful to your new year's resolution, or in anticipation of normal J-term behavior? No matter what your reason: good for you. If we're headed towards another Depression, at least look the fit and famished part. My advice? Two to a treadmill both saves the environment and allows for greater influx and, with today's economy, we're all in this together.

5. On that note, did you happen to attend the Bunker the other night, where you found yourself swapping sweet, sweet sweat and saliva with another (or perhaps more than one other - at the same time)? Thank you. Your commingling is the first step towards proper team building, an all but essential trait if we're to solve the riddle that is our economy.

6. Speaking of wet love, are you perhaps a younger woman infatuated or involved with an older member of, say, the men's lacrosse team? Well, why shouldn't you be; you would otherwise only be hurting yourself. Given today's economy, it is understandable to want to secure one's future with a man who, upon making said team, simultaneously secures his own future with either Bear or the Brothers Lehman.

7. But if you're not getting it, you should at least be able to read about it, right? Wrong. We watch as the sun of the Sex Sage filling our heads with erotically charged fantasies - sets and the, well, incandescent ginger light bulb of the Sex Guy flickers. But, given the state of the economy, sex would be wasteful of energy that could otherwise be used for developing new economic plans and thus should be deemed selfish.

8. But did I intentionally rip this format off the New Yorkers "Shouts and Murmurs"? Absolutely. Am I deeply troubled on a moral level? Stop. An economy such as ours suspends all general notions of plagiarism as well as the College's own Honor Code.

9. And finally ... well, on second thought, another point merely proves excessive and, with the economy being what it is, I think we should all learn to be content with a little less.