Student explores e-dating scene

We have all seen the commercials: a couple framed in black and white and walking down the street in the rain, a smiling pair jogging through the suburbs, a slightly awkward but endearing dinner date. Online dating: is it as magical and effective as our television screens make it out to be?

Jean Lin ’10 is the College’s resident expert, or at least experimenter, with the online dating world. Over winter vacation, while channel-surfing with her sister, Lin noticed many online dating sites advertising New Year’s promotions for open communication and decided to test the waters (or possibly, the waves).

Lin did not decide to venture into online dating because she was personally upset with the Middlebury dating scene. In that department, she h aas been able to call one person a girlfriend, and has moved from friendship to chemistry with a few people.

Inspired by “curiosity and insane boredom,” she set up accounts for free with http://www.okcupid.com, http://www.match.com and http://www.eharmony.com.

These three sites were very different in format, user type and tactics.

“Each has its own merits. It’s not necessarily that one is better than another,” said Lin. “It’s like apples and oranges — just different.”

OkCupid allows a visitor to select what they are looking for, whether it be new friends, short- or long-term relationships or even “activity partners” (someone to hike with or meet up for tennis matches). The site also allows users to create the questions on the applications.

“You can select what matters to you,” said Lin. “What do you think about gay marriage? You can select what your partner would ideally answer, and browse profiles that way.”

Match.com, meanwhile, seems more activity-based than introspective: from Lin’s perspective, it seeks to “match” you with someone whom you are compatible with on a day-to-day level, while down-playing personality and communicative traits. Account holders are able to rank identity-based phrases, such as “I am spiritual,” while the profiles that appear to viewers are more superficial in terms of height, eye color and hair color.

The most thorough and seemingly accurate of the three is eHarmony, where users are forced through, in Lin’s words, “an intense, crazy, really, really, long personality profile” designed to match you with a “highly compatible person” for the long-term.

eHarmony estimates that its matchmaking was responsible for about two percent of the marriages in America in 2007. Though no scientific evidence definitively supports such claims, that statistic at least suggests that eHarmony alone could be responsible for nearly 120 weddings a day.

Whether or not she has found her future life partner, Lin certainly had a whirlwind of a week leading up to her return to Middlebury.

While browsing profiles on OkCupid, a man named “Thomas” emerged under her “local matches.” After reading through his About Me section on his profile, which listed a handful of random life experiences with no context such as “people from Afghanistan in Louisiana,” Lin realized she was intrigued. Thomas’ last sentence was, “You should send me a message if you made it to the bottom of my profile.”

Lin sent a friendly response: “You said to send a message if I made it to the bottom of your profile! I think it’d be cool to hear some of your stories sometime. And don’t worry, I am not a psycho or looking for attachment.”

When she clicked on her own inbox, there was an immediate response. Confused, Lin read the quick message asking her to meet up for coffee or tea sometime, only to realize after a few exchanges that Thomas had sent his message without reading hers; he contacted her at almost the exact same moment that she ventured to contact him.

Already seeming coincidentally compatible, the pair decided to meet up at a Dunkin Donuts in her hometown in New Hampshire, as he was heading down to see his family in Massachusetts.

“In my mind, this was all in the context of friendship,” said Lin, “but as I was heading out the door, I felt nervous. We didn’t know anything about each other! But I had made a few mental notes of things he had mentioned in his profile as conversation starters.”

The conversation flowed smoothly, and about 45 minutes into hearing about his National Guard experience in Louisiana and his other elusive interests, he asked her if she would like to grab dinner.

“Classic ‘don’t’ on an online first date: don’t get in a car with him,” laughed Lin. “What did I do? Got in the car.”

In the hour-long snowy trek to The Skinny Pancake, they chatted freely, and the conversation continued naturally over dinner.

The next question: did Lin want to join him to watch a movie on Netflix?

“I have a certain level of trust, even with strangers,” explained Lin, “and if I don’t feel sketched out, I’m comfortable. I went to watch the movie, and needless to say, I have no idea what happened in it.”

Still feeling comfortable, Lin realized that it was getting late, she had no cell service and her parents did not know where she was. (She must have read my expression over the table at Proctor Dining Hall while recounting this story, because she interjected, “I know, I know, my friends were cringing when I told them.”)

Luckily, Thomas drove her home safely and they made plans to see each other again.

“With the wrong person, things could have gone very badly, very quickly,” Lin said.

After meeting up again for lunch and apple cider, Thomas offered to drive down to Middlebury to cook dinner for her at her suite.

“He would not let me help,” she said, “All I did was grate some cheese.”

The next day, Lin realized that her suitor was falling really fast for her.

“That was never my intention. He was deploying soon and I did not want to get attached,” Lin said. She wanted to keep her distance emotionally, and she held back on communicating with him as he prepared to leave.

“But he left his cross-country skis in my suite,” she said. “So I know he will have to come back eventually.”

Meanwhile, Match.com brought Lin another interest: “Connor,” a 31-year-old fitness trainer from Burlington.

“When he messaged me, I though, ‘Ugh, 31?’” said Lin. “But the title of his message was a quote from my profile. Clearly, he had read it and was not just sending messages at random to younger women.”

On her profile, she had written, “If there’s something there, any geographical difference can be bridged in time.”

When she confronted him about the age issue, he wrote back an echo: “If there’s something there, any age difference can be bridged in time.”

Lin and Connor communicated from AIM to the phone to Skype, and on Friday, he traveled to Middlebury for dinner at Mr. Ups and a movie in town, with a long-stemmed pink rose — the flower she had mentioned loving in one of their conversations.

Because they had talked in detail before meeting face-to-face, Lin was not nervous this time, and she really enjoyed the date. However, it was their last.

“I don’t know where I am going to be next year, or the year after that,” said Lin. “I kind of didn’t want it to work out. But people who try online dating need to keep in mind that there really is a chance that it will work out. You might click.”

While involvement with her high school sweetheart has ended Lin’s online experience for the time being, Lin realized that she was truly out looking for another version of the boy she never stopped loving — she found many merits in her test-run.

“I find it difficult to be with someone on campus — everyone is so involved,” said Lin. “With Thomas and Connor, they dropped me off at Adirondack Circle, and I was back in my own place. It is not like a ‘study break’ that turns into a three-hour cuddle fest.”

Lin describes herself as an advocate for “dating,” and why not incorporate online dating into that? She feels that Middlebury College needs a “dating revolution,” and working at the Health and Wellness Center has helped her reach out and try to effect positive change.

“Some colleges have a date week, where it is fair game to ask anyone out,” said Lin. “It is sad that you would have to designate a week just for that. We should not be surprised or shocked to be asked on a date.”

She cited something she learned in her “Social Identity and Higher Education” class: an individual adopts the mentality that everyone is thinking one thing, when actually, they are thinking the same thing as the individual.

“If you see everyone hooking up drunkenly, you think that is what everyone wants,” said Lin. “You fall under the same impression, when in a lot of cases people want a relationship, just like you.”

Though she accepts that there is a stigma attached to online dating — people imagine middle-aged men behind the screens of online dating sites — Lin saw many profiles of interesting young people who just happened to be very busty or live in small towns. She views this stigma as one that will change; some people just are not interested in the bar scene or forging a relationship from a random encounter in a club.

From Lin’s perspective, people just need to change their attitudes about dating in general, and get over the fear of rejection. As for the flaws with Middlebury’s dating scene? She thinks it is fixable.

“At the ‘I Love Female Orgasm’ talk, people were turned away at the door,” Lin explained. “People are interested in sex and dating. Just do it! Ask your Proctor crush out, or someone in the library. What’s the harm in asking someone to 51 Main?”

Whether or not you choose to date online or to take Lin’s advice and strike up the courage for a walk down to 51 Main, reassessing and experimenting with the dating scene can give a new perspective. Maybe (preferably with cell reception and without a snow storm) a spontaneous date could bring you a long-stemmed rose and some apple cider. Even if it does not bring a true love, it could bring a few stories to tell over lunch, and perhaps some new angles on what you really want to find.