The L-Word

Writing a sex column for a small college’s newspaper has not garnered me any sort of national (or even local) renown as a sexpert as far as I can tell, and I never expected it to. But I have been hoping that somebody besides my friends (who already asked for advice before I started this column) would ask for some help.

I could go on and on with my thoughts about every aspect of sex from fetishes to marriage, but I would much rather write what you, my small readership, want to read. I am thus extending a formal invitation to drop anonymous notes in my campus mailbox (2215) if you like the way I think about sex and you want me to apply my extensive base of sex articles and experiences (both mine and ones I’ve heard about) to your life. Send ’em on!

That being said, I can start by responding to one of the few questions I actually do get pretty frequently, besides how to obtain a partner: “Okay, so partner — check. Sex — check. Woohoo. But now we’re getting bored with it — what do we do?” If you either don’t have a lot of sex or you jump into bed with a new person every weekend, the idea of sex getting boring might sound a little preposterous. But truth is, if you’re sexing on the regular without working for it, with the same partner and the same script every time, it gets to be like watching reruns of your favorite TV show.

It’s still fun and way better than doing your homework, but you already know what’s going to happen and it lacks a certain thrill. So what do you do?

No one can tell you specifically what to do — Cosmopolitan and a host of other magazines will try, but burn them, please — because it all depends on what you and your partner like. Not sure what you like? Congratulations! You have reached the threshold of sexperimentation, and things are about to get really, really fun. And possibly kinky. All of those things you never, ever thought you would try — you know what I’m talking about, the ads blinking across the bottom of the vanilla porn you watched that one time (or yesterday), the multitude of products in Good Stuff on Church Street in Burlington — are now an unlimited set of options.

I’m not saying we’re all secretly kinks just waiting to be unleashed, though more people than you might think have a briefcase full of blindfolds, feathers and handcuffs in their closet, but I do think if you get to a point in your sex life where you and your partner are both left wanting by what you’ve always done, then logically it is time to try something new. New doesn’t have to mean ball gags or group sex or trying to install a sex swing in your dorm room (though it can), but it does mean a certain level of open-mindedness.

Before you embark on your sexperimentation, as always you need safety and consent, but beyond that I’ll borrow a term from one of my favorite sex bloggers: GGG, or good, giving and game. It’s a maxim I strive for in any sexual encounter, but it’s especially important in a long-term relationship when the sex needs a little spice.

When you and your partner start experimenting, it should be good — whatever you try should feel good and be a product of good communication. No dripping hot wax on your partner’s junk without talking about it first, etc. You and your partner should both be giving — everything you try doesn’t have to turn both of you on, but if does it for one person and the other doesn’t mind, add it to your repertoire as a couple. And certainly you and your partner should be game — leave your preconceptions behind and show up willing to have a good time with each other’s reasonable requests.