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Saturday, Jan 11, 2025

Flannel Mammal - 04/08/10

Oh, Spring! Look who decided to finally show up!

It’s no secret that everybody loves spring. The sun feels so good on my pastel skin, washing over my pallid, cold soul with a tsunami of rapture and vitamin D. Even better than the rebirth of my arctic soul is all the gorgeous sundresses that the ladies like to take for walks. Why are sundresses so awesome?

Three main reasons:

1. Legs are awesome.

2. Dresses are pretty.

3. Dresses make a splendid lady that much more wonderful.

I don’t consider myself to be a jealous person, but I am enormously upset with the lack of a male equivalent to the sundress. Tank tops come close to being the equivalent, but they are not nearly as prevalent or common as the sundress. It seems as if though, once it gets nice out, all the dudes at Middlebury have to offer is some crocs, cargo shorts, and the occasional tank top. I don’t mean this as a reproach. I myself own only one pair of shorts. In an effort towards gender equality, here are some suggestions for how the men of Middlebury College can look as good as the ladies this spring.

Suggestion 1: Re-sexualize the male leg. Short shorts are awesome. I don’t know how many dudes out there actually own a pair, but the aforementioned pair of shorts that I own happen to be a pair of purple corduroy cutoffs, with pockets longer than the shorts themselves. I don’t squat hundreds of pounds a week for nothing. The male leg is a body part that should be revered and admired. So, this spring, take your least favorite pair of pants, cut them hilariously short, and let those juicy quads of yours breathe, for once. It’s 2010 and it’s time to re-sexualize the male leg.

Suggestion 2: Don’t wear a shirt. Shirts are stupid. Let’s be frank, nothing a dude can ever wear will ever be as pretty as a sundress. So let’s just step it down to the next best thing — being naked. Not wearing a shirt feels awesome and looks awesome. Not only that, but it’s incredibly practical, too! Unlike the majority of my T-shirts, my skin is waterproof. Cool. Not wearing a shirt also facilitates getting an even tan. The less you wear your shirt, the better your tan is, and the better your tan is, the prettier you are.

Even when it’s night time, wearing a shirt can be confining and uncomfortable. Here’s a quick fix to that problem — wear a beanie at night to keep your body heat in. It’s as good looking as it is practical.

Suggestion 3: Wear what you want.The best thing about springtime is the universal decision for everyone to be psyched again. The sun comes out and immediately drives all of us out of our depressing, messy rooms and into the glory of our burning star. It’s important to reflect that optimism and positivity in whatever outfits you decide to wear. We’re all young and beautiful and it’s important to embrace that; spring clothing just makes it that much easier. Wear whatever clothing is going to make you the best possible person to spend time with. How it actually looks is completely irrelevant. It’s all about being comfortable enough to enjoy this awesome weather.


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