Dear readers, I asked you to write in, and you wrote! Not surprisingly, you asked about long term, long distance relationships (LTLDR): how to keep them fresh, how to keep them going and how to keep them sexy without releasing naked photos of yourself to the Internet.
Before I delve into how to maintain a LTLDR, let me present the idea that all people in LTLDRs know but hate to hear: they are hard. Of course, I want to say that love is always worth the effort — and if your long distance partner is truly the one for you, that love is certainly worth the effort — but we all want to be where our hearts are, and if your heart is halfway around the world with your long distance partner, then you can’t be fully present here and you might miss opportunities to make new connections.
If you’re really committed to your LTLDR, good for you and please pardon my questions as to its worth. I only ask because I’ve attempted a LTLDR before (freshman year, when everyone tries them) and it ended up just being my attempt to hold onto my high school self. They can be great buffers against frightening or uncomfortable change and growth. If you’re trying to keep a LTLDR going for the long haul, personal growth might be the biggest obstacle: if you don’t grow together, you will grow apart, and growing together is difficult for any couple, let alone those who grow at two separate schools.
Other couples have the opportunity to do things together frequently, or just to be in the same room experiencing the same random Wednesday afternoon, but long distance partners have to go into detailed accounts of their separate lives to create shared experience — communication is obviously key.
A lot of long distance couples think that every exchange then has to be meaningful to make up for all of the time they haven’t spent together, but just as important as the heart-to-hearts are the silly conversations about literally nothing — the sweet nothings, if you will.
The random text (or 100 random texts a day if your plan allows it) is a beautiful thing, almost as good as running into your significant other after class for two seconds. The random invitation to hang out is also great.
If your partner were here, you could just drop by his or her room and fool around on YouTube or do your homework together. Thanks to the magic of Skype and webcams, you can also go back to your room and just hang out with your partner. Low-key, unplanned hang-out time will add up and help the relationship feel less effortful and more like you’re physically with each other.
That’s the other challenge of LTLDRs: how to maintain a sex life while apart and act like normal adults (instead of horny teens) for the short periods of time you’re together. Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with acting like a horny teen — it’s a lot of fun and you really do have to make up for lost time in that department.
But if you prefer more civilized interactions, try to focus on just being together naked for a while (if you can stand it), sharing intimate space. Sex is often used to feel close to each other, but once you’ve gotten the initial build-up out of the way, just being intimate might feel just as good. In terms of having a sex life while you’re apart, I am a fan of the naughty Skype chat (a little striptease is always fun even if you’re just putting on your pajamas), but I realize that’s not for everyone. My recommendation is letters.
If the goal is just to feel close, nothing is closer over long distance (in my opinion) than a handwritten, thoughtful and loving letter that you know your partner put time into. It doesn’t even have to be naughty.
The L-Word - 04/08/10
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