The L-Word - 05/06/10

I’ve been thinking recently about where people hook up (have sex, make out, whatever your definition is). Since sophomore year, I personally haven’t been doing it anywhere interesting — ah, the benefits of a single room.

Before that, however, I graced half the campus (or at least most of the campus surrounding Allen, my freshman dorm) with my sexcapades, and before college I was really creative because someone in my family was usually home and I didn’t have access to all of the empty academic buildings that Middlebury offers at night.

Those endeavors were really exciting, and I’ve been thinking lately that destination sex shouldn’t just be out of necessity. As we all prepare for the great diaspora preceding summer vacation — and I know summer lovin’ is on everyone’s mind behind all of that final exam nonsense — I present some “greatest hits” of destination sex. You’ll notice lots of them are outside because we spend all winter snowed in.

Before I jump in, my general rule of thumb for fairly public sex is that unless you’re an exhibitionist, the likelihood that someone will see you and your partner going at it is about equal to the amount of clothing you should keep on — so if you think there’s an 80 percent chance of someone catching you in the act, you should probably keep 80 percent of your clothing on your body and the rest within reach in case you need to make a quick escape. Just a thought.

On to the places! First off, I just want to say kudos to the couple I walked in on in Hillcrest last year. It was just before 5 in the afternoon on a Friday last March and they were doing it on the desks at the front of the room with the shades up, and I’m pretty sure a lecture was scheduled at 5:30 or 6. Bold move. Almost as bold as doing it in one of the fishbowl seminar rooms in Bi-hall.

If you’re looking for someplace less ostentatious on campus, the natural amphitheater behind the cemetery is a good place (or so I hear — I haven’t been there yet), and a friend of mine made good use of the soft grass on top of Atwater dining hall — we need to use it for something now that it’s closed, right? Empty studies, the group study rooms in the library, the greenhouse in Bi-hall (that place is popular — just read the logbook), any of the dark wood-paneled rooms in Axinn (anybody see the sex scene in Atonement?) and even Mead Chapel (if you don’t mind the hard pews and you’re not particularly religious) are all other good options — just don’t leave a mess.

Off campus, you might think, “Sex on the beach!” but I promise it’s not worth it — you just get a lot of sand in really uncomfortable places and there is nowhere to run if the cops catch you. Believe me, I know. Doing it in a kayak or a canoe however — that’s a good kind of rocking the boat, if you know what I mean, and it’s a lot more private.

I like to think that destination sex is not just about doing it outside of the bedroom, but that it’s also about picking a place that adds to the experience either because someone might catch you (if you like that feeling) or because it’s just a beautiful space, so doing it in a gas station bathroom doesn’t exactly fit the bill. Shenanigans on a roof however, especially under a sky full of stars, are amazing.

A secluded meadow or on the hood of a car (preferably a nice car, but either way put a blanket down so you don’t burn your bare ass) or even just doing it in a different room at a different time of day (or during a thunderstorm — so epic) are other excellent choices.

Whatever you’re doing this summer, and wherever you do it, I hope it’s good.