Standard Deviations - 09/09/10

I have a love-hate relationship with the term “hook-up.”  On the one hand, as someone who loves discretion, it’s a perfect phrase to describe a physical encounter without press-ganging your conversational partners into envisioning your sordid life.  On the other hand,  as someone who loves specificity,  saying you “hooked up” with someone is about as specific as responding to a query about your plans for the night with “Oh, you know….stuff.” In short, while it is great when talking to mixed company (strangers, relatives, the Pope), it’s terrible in the private life, both when talking to your hook-up-ee or to your friends in the aftermath because, as Camus would say, what does it all mean? This thing you have just done?

Presuming your night has had more than just a long, involved conversation followed by a moonlit stroll, if you’ve done the deed you’ve probably fallen into one of the following categories.  (And a note for the curious — when saying “sex”, what is meant is “sex including manual, oral, anal and/or intercourse.”  All sex does, in fact, count.  A blowjob does not equal a handshake, at least where these are concerned.)

No-Strings-Attached Sex:  This is the Poptart of sex — the fuel of commuters, commitment-phobes, and the crazy-overworked.  It doesn’t get much more basic than this — there are no strings.  You meet someone for sex, it lasts an hour (or two, or three, or whatever) and then you leave.  Sex-etiquette:  No, you do not need to exchange numbers.  Yes, it is considered classy to know their name.  You may feel slightly used — this is most likely because you were, in fact, used.  Then again, so were they.  Why not embrace it?

One-Night Stand:  The Happy Meal of sex — though if you still order Happy Meals, most likely you shouldn’t be having these (or reading this column, for that matter).  This is NSA with a sleepover, which lends it a refinement not unlike putting a paper bag over a pint of fortified.  The problem with one-night-stands tends to come in the morning, when revelation, expectation and sobriety all tap on your window like a cop’s flashlight.  That being said, pulling a hit-and-run is unnecessary — unless an angry father/brother/sister/girlfriend is running up with a baseball bat, sneaking out in the wee morning hours implies unnecessary shame.  Simply thank your partner and leave.  (In a pinch, a note works just fine too.)

F*ckbuddy: This is the diet midday snack of sex.  Like a diet — often precarious.  Generally, f*ckbuddies are repeat, reliable booty calls —you’ve had sex more than once, there’s physical attraction, but dating/a relationship is out of the question for whatever reason.  Note — a f*ckbuddy is not a whore; thus, a 4 a.m. “r u busy?” text is unacceptable.  Respect is a given, even if commitment is not.

Friends-with-Benefits:  This is brunch — not breakfast, not lunch and full of confused people looking for one or the other.  What distinguishes this type from f*ckbuddy is that you are friends first, sex partners second. What distinguishes this from a relationship is… well, that you say you’re not in a relationship, that you mean it and that you don’t harbor romantic feelings towards your partner.  In some ways, this requires more trust than the standard relationship — in a friends-with-benefits relationship, you have to know the other person well enough to trust their ability to distinguish the warm fuzzies of friendship from the warm fuzzies of relationship.  Of the previous, these have the greatest chance of evolving into a full-fledged relationship, and also the greatest chance of collapsing under strain.  Conduct with caution.

Relationship:  This is dinner.  This is candles, flowers, long conversations, moonlit walks, etc, etc.  Monogamy is not required, though it’s usually expected (so thoughts otherwise should be openly expressed).  Usually, these are a product of “The Talk”, but can be as simple as a post-coital -“Is this a relationship?” — “…Yeah.” — “Cool”.