Standard Deviations — 10/28/10

You are beautiful.

When I say this, I don’t mean it as some feel-good, wake-up-in-the-morning-feeling-like-P-Diddy sort of mantra that you are supposed to use to greet the day.  It’s a simple fact.  You, the reader, are a beautiful person, in the sort of way that is undimmed by age or weight or time.  And it has something to do with who you are, and what you are, and what composes your being.
We are bombarded every day with images, words, videos, sounds, of what it means to be attractive in society.  It shapes what we wear, the way we hold ourselves, and the way we view ourselves and in the process, blinds us to the fact that we are unique.  That in all of the world, there is no one quite like you.

There’s a good possibility that you probably don’t believe me right now — that suddenly, your sex columnist has body-swapped with Mr. Rogers for a day, and now something is very wrong in the Neighborhood.  But I am absolutely serious when I write this — there is nothing that can be done, no makeup to be put on, that can change the fundamental nature of who you are.  And that’s a good thing, because who you are is something to be proud of — something worth loving.

So, here’s the thing.  Today, I’d like to ask a favor of you.  The next time you see someone you’ve been crushing on, or just someone you find attractive, go up to them and tell them that they’re beautiful.

It’s scary, I know.  The what-if scenarios that arise from this grow faster than a stoner in a Hostess truck.  What if they’re not single?  What if they’re gay, or straight?  What if it makes things awkward between us and colors everything I ever say to them ever again?  What if they think I’m a creepy stalker?  What if they’re with friends and I can’t catch them alone and then I ask and they all start laughing and I’m never able to eat in Proctor again oh god oh god kill-me-now …

Well, first off, even the most non-single and/or non-sexually-oriented-towards-you people (yeah, I’m covering my bases here) appreciates being told they’re still smoking — even if it isn’t from their targeted demographic.  It’s just a nice ego-rub.  Secondly, awkwardness is one of those things, like nuclear deterrents and South Dakota, that only exists because people act like it does.  Don’t be awkward, and it’ll go away.  (Sorry, South Dakotans.)

Will you come off as a creepy stalker?  I mean, so long as your compliment doesn’t include anything terrifying (“I really like the way you’ve organized your underwear drawer!”) you’re probably okay.  And frankly — knowing the hour your crush gets off of class to go to the dining hall, and whether they prefer Proctor or Ross, and then just hanging around the salad bar looking like you’re thinking really, really hard about the beets?  That rates much higher on the Stalker-Monitor than just being up front about it.

And lastly, we’re not in high school anymore.  Children laugh at their peers’ attraction to one another. Adults realize that it’s just one of those things that you are helpless to choose.  Respect the courage of someone having the confidence to come up to you.  Say thank you.  It’s never easy to do.

We spend so much time drinking, partying, trying to shut down our anxieties and own up to our feelings, trying to make excuses for contact.  But seriously, if only for one day?  F*ck anxiety, and f*ck excuses.  “The sex columnist made me do it” is your pass today.  So go now.  I can guarantee you’ll at least get a smile.