Standard Deviations — 10/7/10

Manual sex is really the perineum of the sexual repertoire — usually appreciated as a road to get between interesting places, and not as an actual place to linger and take in the view.  Most often serving as an appetizer to limber up for voyages in more tropical climes, as a main course it’s often disparaged as the refuge of middle-schoolers and the erectile dysfunct.  And while certainly an excellent backup plan for when a gentleman does not stand at attention, I think there is also a place for it outside the general realm of plan B (or C).

Manual sex (sex where the primary source of stimulation is what you’re doing with your hands) has a number of arguments working against it, chief of which goes something like this — “Why would I do what my gent or lady can do all by their lonesome, with nothing more than a bit of spit and a racy rag?” After all, most of us have probably invested a considerable amount of time and effort perfecting the art of self-satisfaction. So why waste precious partner-time rediscovering America?

First, there are a number of delightful, unique sensations that distinguish manual sex and masturbation. Whispered dirty talk, soft kisses, hard bites, the sensation of your partner’s body sliding over yours, hair stroking, hair pulling, spontaneous caresses, unpredictable and hands-free stimulation … the list goes on, limited only by creativity and the number of hands available to participate.  (For added sensitivity, a simple blindfold works wonders). Like oral sex, the appeal is primarily of being able to relax and enjoy the pleasure, and perhaps bookmark particularly hot moments for future private playback.

Second, there’s no better way to learn about your partner than learning about how they touch themselves.  (Though a really excellent dinner date might come close.)  To paraphrase Sun Tzu, “Know thyself, know thy [partner].  A thousand [passionate sexual encounters], a thousand victories.”  And here, especially with a new partner, learning caps should be donned — because nothing is more individual or unique than how someone has discovered their own body.  Here are some pointers based off of testimonies from friends and strangers, but please note, all you Commanders-in-Chiefs — they’re very much subject to veto.

Those pleasing ladies — remember, the clit is a delicate bud.  Not for naught is it often associated with flowers — so handle accordingly.  Would you strangle a bouquet of roses?  No?  Good.  That said, like learning a foreign language, the best way to learn is to have the native speaker actually put your fingers where they’re supposed to go and move them for you until you get the gist (so, really, not like learning a foreign language at all).  And unless you’re Wynton Marsalis or similarly experienced, do limit your improvisation—  if the lady would like you to go harder or faster as the situation escalates, it’s on her to let you know.

Those pleasing gents — our genitalia tends less towards delicate-flower and more towards stripper-pole.  Generally for the gents, things to keep in mind are grip (how does he hold the drumstick and how tight?) angle (what is the trajectory the hand moves along?) and speed (or velocity, really, for all you Physics majors out there).  Unlike physics, however, there is considerable room for error.

Finally, though, one thing that manual sex tends to offer that is occasionally lost in your average intercourse is the opportunity for a non-orgasm-focused encounter.  By that, I don’t mean Tantric sex — this isn’t a contest to see how long you can last, though that could be fun — but a chance to really get to know and appreciate the intricacies of whoever it is you’re getting to know biblically, without the pressure of having to “perform.”  Think of it like a road-trip along the perineum — whether or not you arrive, it’s the journey that counts.