Aunt Des ‘dishes’ about her new job

Where are you from? How did you get to Middlebury, and what did you do before taking on the Great Dish War?

My parents came to this country from Sparta, in the Greek Peloponnese. You know Sparta? How 300 Spartan men in their underpants held off the entire Persian army of Xerxes? Anyway, I was raised at the Jersey Shore, not like those sleazagees on the TV, and I went to Asbury Park High School.

I’m not new to this dish thing. Sometimes we break plates when we dance — it’s a Greek thing, an expression of life. But we pay for them and clean them up! Also, for many years my late husband, Avgolemeno, and I owned a diner, The Judgment of Paris. Our rotating pie case — beautiful! It was a business — we had to keep track of our dishes and cutlery or go under.

I came to Middlebury because … let’s just say I was asked.

Which dining hall is your favorite? Why?

I like them both — I think the dining people do a beautiful job, and I’m speaking as a professional. I prefer Proctor because the lighting in the ladies’ room is more flattering.

What is your favorite utensil/piece of dishware? Why?

I’m fond of bowls, which we invented and turned into an art form. I also keep a nice pointy fork — a fork that I own — in my purse in case I have to fend off a sleazagees.

What, in particular, bothers you about the dining hall plate issue?

The wasteful disgustingness. Let’s step back and look at the big picture. Since ancient times, people have had busy schedules while using dishes. Look at this picture on a dish we invented showing Hercules and Athena. She’s pouring him a drink so he can take a break in the middle of years of impossible labors. He just cleaned out filthy stables and now he’s got to wrestle bulls and three-headed dogs in hell. He’s busy! But do you think he’s going to just leave his bowl on a rock somewhere? No! He’s giving Athena the ancient sign for “No problem. I’ve got it.”

What exactly is a “sloppagee”?

A sloppagees is someone who’s sloppy. Someone who’s very fussy could be a “fussagees.” The girl who does my nails is a “nailagees”— but not a “manigees,” which is something else, let’s say.

We have to know: who does your hair?

Nice try, honey. If I tell you, you’ll go there, and then I’ll have to wait.

What do you think would help the missing plate situation? Do you have any ideas for solutions to the problem or personal preferences as to what is being done about it?

Solutions number one, two, and three: use your opposable thumbs to take what you borrow back to the dining halls. This is such a struggle? I’ll show you a struggle — 300 Spartans fighting the Persian army in their underpants. Some people want take-out containers — then what? Throw out. Where’s out? And more garbage piles up. You can’t get your whole life “to go.”

Who is next on your mission to find the dish-takers? Why?

That’s confidential, honey. I go where I’m needed.

Assuming that one of your issues with the plate issue is environmental concern, how can you explain that hairspray!? ;)

I’m all about the ecology, which we invented. Oikos means home, as in “would you leave this dirty plate lying around at home and constantly pay some factory in China to make new ones and ship them to you? Would you use disposable plates and throw them in the garbage at home?”
However, my Aqua Net Super Hold is unscented, I recycle the cans, and it doesn’t harm the ozone, a Greek word. None of my beauty products is tested on zoons, either. I’m all about the cruelty-free.

What’s your astrological sign? Does it fit your personality?

Of course, “zodiac”— a Greek word — means “circle of zoons.” I’m a Scorpio — we’re passionate, determined and we sting when we’re disgusted.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?

Do I need to say it? Bring back the dishes!

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