Standard Deviations — 2/17/11

We live in a world often starved for touch.  There are occasions that are generally acceptable: a hug between friends (or a kiss, depending), a handshake between acquaintances.  And then there are the more specialized times when we make contact — in football tackles, rugby scrums, bar fights, in dance or theatre classes.  By and large, almost always it’s only lovers and intimate friends who get to touch each other as much as they want — and for better or for worse, it’s almost always in the bedroom, and either by sex or by cuddling.  This, though, is about cuddling.

So what’s the difference between the two?  While there’s overlap, naturally, sex usually focuses on the building of pleasure; cuddling, on the building of intimacy. This intimacy, by the way, means that it is possible to sleep with a close friend non-sexually — and also why you run the risk of angering your significant other if you do. The words that are exchanged while laying in someone else’s arms carry with them the trust that they are meant for only one pair of ears. Ever wonder why “pillow talk” is one of the deadlier weapons in a spy’s arsenal?  This is why.

Like sex, the intimacy of sleeping together is both terrifying and seductive — like sex, requesting to hold or be held by someone should be a question, not assumed. After all, people carry with them their own ideas of what sex means — it is possible to be perfectly fine with having sex with strangers, and uncomfortable in sharing your bed with them.

And especially these beds. Anyone who’s ever tried to fit two (or more) people on a bed in college knows this problem. The lovechild of a cot and the kind of hard wooden pallet normally reserved for Oliver Twist, the mattress turns every attempt at being sociable into a surprise anatomy exam. What do you do with two pairs of arms and legs in a space designed for one? How in God’s name do you get comfortable enough to sleep? Where did the blankets go?

Obviously, body type either helps or compounds these problems, as do a number of other factors: snoring, sweat, drool, roommates, contagious disease, what sleeping position you prefer and whether or not you want to open a window.  Those who have space, time, money and luck can invest in a queen- or king-sized mattress — but frankly, if you have that why have you even read this far?

Perhaps for this: spooning.

“No, big spoon, I don’t really know what to do with the bottom arm.”

There is a Nobel Peace Prize waiting in Norway for whoever figures that one out.  Under the neck?  Parallel to the body? Over the head, Superman-style? Whatever works for you.

Know, though, that even though this article opened illustrating the drought of contact, that you don’t have to sleep clinging together like magnets, molecular bonds or campers in Vermont. The way you cuddle each other doesn’t have to be the way you sleep — so don’t take it personal if someone chooses to cuddle, but not spend the night. Classes are long and twin extra-longs are tiny and seriously, sleep?  It is a damn good, painfully rare commodity.

Also, as previously mentioned, the fact that a sex columnist is discussing cuddling does not mean that you have to be having sex to be cuddling, or vice-versa. That said, the “just-friends” cuddle presents its own unique thorny issues, similar in many respects to having a friend with benefits. Physical and emotional intimacy combined can run combustion risks, especially if one party has a compatible sexuality.  Complicating that, if one or the other party is in a relationship, engaging in emotional infidelity is a risk — do ask permission, in other words, of your significant other before you do. To sleep with someone doesn’t mean what it used to, in the 18th century. Maybe nowadays it means more.