Standard Deviations — 3/3/11

Hookups.  Like Natty Ice, beer pong, chemically-aided all-night cram sessions and crippling addictions to Facebook, hookups are one of the most iconic symbols of what it means to be in college. This is not to say that everyone has them, or even should — but for better or for worse, they happen to be one of the most visible and most talked about aspects in the sex life of a college student.  So how exactly does one go about navigating these fuzzy waters?  For that matter, what does a hookup even mean?

First off — definitions.  For the purposes of this article, assume “hooking up” means more than just locking lips — that manual, oral or penetrative, something outside the realm of clothed life happened.  Chemically-aided or not, the fun is done and now you two are looking at each other awkwardly and trying to ask, obliquely, (without resorting to cliché) “Hey, what are you thinking? What does this mean to you?”

It’s a valid question, and one that speaks to the nature of what a hookup is, and what makes it problematic. Hookups mean something different to everyone, and everyone brings their own motivations with them to the bedroom. The reasons for having sex with someone range anywhere from fulfilling a long-time crush, to simply being really bored.  It can be a desire to get your rocks off, or a desire to connect. It can be empowerment, an affirmation of attraction or it can be an ego trip by way of adding another notch to the headboard.

Whether or not these reasons are valid is not this column’s place to judge. And probably, it’s too much to realistically expect that everyone who unzips their pants is also opening their heart at the same time. That said, a certain amount of politeness is certainly warranted if you’re going to be spending the next few moments getting to know each other intimately — like asking “Your place or mine?” Adding in a disclaimer that “This is just for fun” or “I’ve liked you a long time” or some simple summary of your feelings for your partner is simple basic courtesy. And yeah, like grabbing a condom, you risk this being a turn-off for some — but like grabbing a condom, it’s also a really good way to avoid sincere regret later. Think of it like the birth control of the heart.

It’s honesty — which, admittedly, is difficult to express while fooling around with a near stranger. The bedroom is one of the most difficult places to maintain a clear head — buffeted by hormones, desire, doubt, guilt, chemicals, anxiety and expectation, it’s ground zero for bad decisions, like playing hopscotch in the DMZ. So perhaps you forgot, in the rush of things, to mention what it is that all this meant. It happens. Now what?

The protocol on spending the night is that generally, the person whose room it is gets to decide whether or not the other sleeps there. That said, it never hurts to ask.  Similarly for a guest, sneaking out before the other person wakes up as if you’re stealing their kidney can come off rather rudely — a simple “Thanks for last night” either spoken or written in note-form, is basic courtesy.  For an especially good hookup. Consider having breakfast and getting to know each other a little better while clothed.

Bottom line, there’s no real need to be awkward.  Hooking up with someone doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to engage in deep conversation every chance you get — but saying hi if you happen to spot your one-night-stand in the Proctor line is harmless. A relationship can and sometimes does grow from a hookup, but mostly they’re just for fun.  Like beer pong, it’s all in choosing the right partner.  Like beer pong, usually it’s just for the night.