Hooking Up Sober

Tis the season – the season to hear Mariah Carey crooning her holiday hit “All I Want for Christmas is You.” It’s a sweet thought, the perfect gooey romantic message since it reminds us what the season is really about: Love.

But let’s be honest: no one actually feels that way.  In reality it’s more like “All I want for Christmas is you … and that super thoughtful dazzling gift you’re going to buy me.” So while you’ll probably be the favorite thing your significant other unwraps this holiday season, I’m betting they’re probably going to want something a little more tangible too.

Getting the right gift can be tricky.  How do you know if you guys are serious enough to be doing a gift exchange in the first place?  And what do you get?  How much is too much? This is getting stressful.

So in the tradition of Mr. Clause who makes his list and checks it twice, here’s a few bullet points for nailing that special someone … I mean, their gift.

1. For someone with whom you have just started hooking up, a token gift is a good choice.  No gift at all says you don’t care, but if you give something too big, it might scare them off.  It’s a fine line.

2. Do not buy socks. Ever! No matter how cute or fuzzy they might be. Socks = immediate friend zoning.

3. If you’ve been dating for a long time and you’ve done this whole Christmas shtick before, you might feel you’ve run out of ideas. Think outside the box – literally – a gift that can’t be wrapped.  It can always be fun to do something totally crazy like an underwater basket-weaving and Thai massage workshop, and the good news is they probably have that on Groupon.

4. No one wants Santa Lingerie.  While the red satin boxers with fluffy white trim and Naughty written across the bum might look enticing in the store, no one actually looks sexy wearing them.  There is no need to taint the Santa myth by bringing him into the bedroom.

5. Awkward moment: You obliterated your savings on a fantastic one-of-a-kind gift, and you received a $15 Starbucks gift card.  This is slightly heartbreaking and pretty embarrassing situation, and how can you possibly respond?  Well every gift deserves a thank you, and this one probably deserves a reminder that your birthday is coming up soon.

6. Awkward moment #2: You got the expensive gift, you gave the gift card.  Simple fix: Let them know the rest of their gift is on its way, just a minor shipping delay.  Then get home quick and overnight something great from Amazon.

7. Time management folks. You do not want to catch yourself in the mall on Dec. 24 hustling through hectic last-minute buyers.  You might get trampled under the feet of the infamously over-eager shoppers.  Or worse, you might only be able to get out of their with a pair of socks.

But don’t get too stressed.  Because while you might be terrified of buying a bad gift (because when someone says “of course I’ll love anything you get me!” they’re lying), the search for a good gift can be fun.  And when you find that perfect something, you’ll feel like a million bucks even if you only spent $19.99.

(And a note to those of you who celebrate Hannukah: Since I have no personal experience celebrating the festival of lights, my best advice to you would be to reread this column over eight times and hope for the best!)

Happy holidays to all!