Bedroom Briefs

As human beings, we desire privacy in our sex lives. Originally an evolutionary imperative, this drive persists in modern society. We lock doors. We close shades. We turn up the music. As college students, however, communal living often thwarts this need. Dorms are shared spaces in which we temporarily reserve small, sterile rooms, and this situation results in the compulsory sharing of intimate moments. That cute girl down the hall will inevitably hear you poop. The sweet guy who lives next door will eventually see you in your pajamas. Sex, however, serves as the most intimate experience we share inadvertently with our dorm mates. Three issues epitomize sexual conundrums facing dorm-dwellers: the practice of sexile, coital noise and shower sex.

My freshman year, I lived in a diminutive double in Battell. Luckily, my roommate and I became fast friends. We shared everything: academic woes, social discomfort, Proctor crushes, et cetera. No matter how close we became, however, when it came to sex, neither of us wanted to share the experience completely. As a result, we practiced sexile, as most roommates do. Despite its ubiquity, the practice of sexile made me feel guilty.

Ultimately, the decision to place my sexual pleasure over her desire to return home seemed selfish. When living in a shared space, no one has the right to monopolize the room. However, as humans, most of us desire sex, and sexile becomes necessary. The key is to act courteously. In the end, jeopardizing a roommate relationship yields far worse consequences than missing an opportunity for hanky panky.

Another sexual obstacle in communal living is sound. Whether you’re a heavy breather, a bed squeaker or a screamer, the sound of your sexcapades has most likely leaked at some point. In the moment, those breathy moans are sexy and exhilarating. After the fact, however, when the embarrassment that your neighbors listened in begins, they seem less wise. Or, perhaps, you’re never the perpetrator, but only the punished. Nothing quite beats lying awake at night, listening to the girl next door enjoy herself. Perhaps it turns you on, or perhaps it reminds you that you aren’t getting any. Either way, the noise is just another way we dorm-dwellers share in sex, and it can only be avoided through muffling your moans or plugging your ears. Some noise, like bed squeaking, is inevitable. Like the practice of sexile, however, shaking the rafters with your sexual prowess is rude. My advice: keep the volume down and have fun trying to contain your screams.

Shower sex serves as my final coital conundrum in dorm life. Personally, I think pleasurable shower sex is a total myth. Slippery surfaces plus running water yield a fatal combination: a dearth of leverage and an absence of natural lubrication. Even if these challenges are surmounted, when using a shared bathroom, shower sex still poses serious difficulties. The opportunity for privacy is negligible to nil. You should feel lucky to find a curtain that closes fully, let alone a door that locks. Plus, the dual wet walk down the hallway with your partner serves as the ultimate walk of shame. If you can find real privacy (Forrest handicap bathrooms), then go for it. Otherwise, you might want to choose a different sexual enterprise.

Sex in dorms proves challenging, but I by no means want to discourage a good romp. Hopefully these hints prove helpful in your pursuit of fornication. Good luck living and loving.