The Secret Life of NARPs

Have you climbed a mountain recently? Did you make the trek to the gym during J-term? Do you own more than three athletic outfits? Well we haven’t, we didn’t and we don’t. As Non-Athletic Regular People, or NARPs for short, being unathletic makes us social pariahs on a campus where the athletic prowess is stifling. We are the minority. We typically prefer to watch Netflix in our beds (have you seen Scandal?), sing karaoke in our tiny Battell dorm rooms (stop by whenever to hear our rendition of the Rocket Power theme song) or, if all else fails, take our third or fourth nap of the day (we recommend the NOVA Foam mattress pad for optimal results). Maddie is, after all, a self-diagnosed narcoleptic (thank you WebMD Symptom Checker).

Jokes aside, being out-of-shape students on an overwhelmingly athletic campus sparks feelings of inadequacy. The pressure to fit this standard triggers confidence, body-image and social insecurities among boys and girls alike. In an effort to determine whether being able to run several miles at a time or hitting Ross in LuluLemon workout gear genuinely changes our college experience, we, Izzy Fleming and Maddie Webb, have decided to report undercover as wannabe athletes. We will embark on a 12-week training regimen that will culminate with the Middlebury Maple Run, a half-marathon, on May 4.

Before we divulge the extent of our training process, we felt it necessary to provide you a brief history of our past athletic endeavors. As a freshman in an all-girls high school, Maddie tried out for her no-cut basketball team and, to nobody’s surprise, was cut. Apparently experiencing an asthma attack after one set of sprints is not normal. Who knew. Izzy has had a more successful history in competitive games, as she is the reigning champion of a co-ed cake eating competition hosted at her high school. Did we mention it was co-ed?

The mission to prove the NARP haters wrong began on Monday, Feb. 10, 2014. Our schedule, courtesy of Self Magazine, called for a two to three mile run at an “easy pace.” For people who have never run more than one mile, we would consider an easy pace to be crawling. With poorly supportive shoes and every athletic top we owned layered on top of each other, we set out on our first run in 20 degree weather. Thanks to the iPhone app Map My Run, we were able to track our distance and speed. After 32 minutes and 24 seconds we completed 2.76 miles. That is an average mile time of 11 minutes and 43 seconds. Yes, we realize this is bad. Like forgetting it is breakfast for dinner bad.

Stay tuned for next week when we hit the gym for the fourth time all year, as a senior athlete leads us into one of the most intimidating territories on campus: the weight room.