In-Queer-Y: Does Size Matter?

It doesn’t take long to find thousands of pages online relating to how size doesn’t matter. You can find articles about how the most sensitive areas in the vagina are only in the first two inches, about how it’s girth not length, about how large penises are unappealing, or any other of the many reasons size doesn’t matter. But size matters, a lot.

We aren’t here to shame penises less than eight inches or tell you to take penis growth pills. But we have to admit that our society is obsessed with penises and penis size. It’s not about what size is better. If we really didn’t care about penis size, there wouldn’t be so much conversation about it. However, the reason penis size is so important is not because of the actual physical sensation a penis provides. It’s about power.

As two gay men, we can’t deny that we like penises. But society as a whole loves it on a whole new level, and the phallo-centric system we have set up is an unhealthy one that leaves many people self-conscious. What’s especially odd is that even the “well-endowed” aren’t exempt from this stress. In fact, on average, men who are larger than 6 inches when erect feel much more anxiety about their size then men under 5 inches.

For some people, it’s really hard to understand the pressure of having a large penis, especially if they don’t have one. Some like to compare it to the pressure of having large breasts or being skinny. The difference is that penis size is much more private than being skinny or big boobs. While there are some people who hide their figure more than others and some men who wear some particularly tight jeans, penis size is just something you really don’t know until you’re looking at someone head to head. It’s that privacy that makes it such a power struggle, because it’s taking something private about your value as a person and sharing that information with someone in an intimate setting. You can know a lot about a person. He’s perfect and sensitive, with washboard abs, but what is he packing underneath? If he’s packing light, then society says he’s weaker than the guy next door, even though he had no control over the situation.

The stress is even more so for queer men. Because when it’s time to be naked and show what you got, someone is going to win. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve waited, who’s in better shape or how much you know the person, because the competition of having a big penis is drilled into all of us from the moment we hit puberty, and you’re going to take note of who is bigger.

But why are people so proud? There’s definitely a limit of being too big. After a certain size, it’s impractical and painful. But that doesn’t prevent us from thinking bigger is better. From the receiving perspective, we can tell you when you look at someone and they are simply too big, when you say “It’s gonna hurt” we mean it in a good way. Why? We know why men want to be big: to be bigger than the next guy. But why are women and queer men searching for their partners to be large?

Really it’s not about the actual physical part of sex, because sex is all about the psychology. Men are happy to have a large member because they were told it makes them a valuable person, and their partners like to take it because it gives a sense of pride. Not only did you manage to find someone who is big, but you had the physical capacity to bite the pillow and take it. And if you can’t take it like a champ, then you’re no good. The whole system is built around shame.

People and relationships are so much more than genitals and sex. Talking about penis size is about comforting people who are too small or even too big or too average. And it’s rarely ever talked about because it’s so private. People don’t want to talk about penis size because you don’t know the size of the guy sitting next to you, or worse, what if people get a sense of your size from the conversation? But that’s not what it should be about. Talking about penis size should be about dismantling the phallo-centric transphobic system of reducing people to their genitals and have meaningful relationships.