N.A.R.P.s

For this week’s escapade, we were on the hunt to try something particularly adventurous — something truly unknown to the Middlebury community.

On Sunday afternoon, we made our way over to the natatorium (you can’t use the word pool for a cement hole in the ground filled with chlorinated water that cost over 10 million dollars). Maddie exclaimed upon passing the Center for the Arts and seeing the Athletic Center (“Woah! What happened to the front entrance?!”). Although our brightly patterned Victoria Secret bikinis felt like the right decision in our rooms, that feeling quickly changed once we entered the pool. Who knew the status quo attire at a college natatorium was different than our spring break experiences in Mexico? Although our insubstantial pieces of string and cloth were waterproof, spandex and sports bras are strongly encouraged for drumroll … logrolling! After we apologized for our idiocy, Hilary Woodworth ’14.5 — a member of the club — assured us that, other than some potential ‘slippage,’ our attire would be fine.

We both took turns walking out onto the log and following instructions on what to do. Surprisingly, it wasn’t impossible. Ten nip slips and a more revealing exhibition than Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl halftime show later, Izzy was successfully rolling on a log in the water. We have decided to define the word ‘successfully’ in NARP terms to mean at least two seconds of flailing arms and incomprehensible yelps while at least one of our feet maintained contact with the log. Although this may not seem like an accomplishment to most, we have decided 98.5 percent of our readers have never gone logrolling and, therefore, have no say in the matter. Sorry we’re not sorry.

Maddie was also getting the hang of it shortly thereafter and, unlike Izzy, managed to keep her swimsuit on. The day got even better when Danielle, the logrolling coach, told Maddie she had a “beautiful, elongated thigh.” A beautiful thigh! Unfortunately, it was working to her disadvantage because that meant her butt sat further back, which ruined her balance. Maddie understood that it wasn’t her beautiful thigh causing the balance issues, but her fat a$$.

There came a point when Maddie was asked if she knew what a squat was, and she had glaring flashbacks to the gym session with personal trainer Goran last year. The memory was so traumatic that she fell off the log and hit her back on the way down. This may seem minor, but the log has carpet around it for gripping purposes and she got a big rug burn. In other words, it was minor for everyone except her.

We discovered that the hardest feat of logrolling is to maintain composure. It is truly an art to resemble Jesus walking on water; keeping your upper body still as your feet move daintily on the log to keep yourself upright.

Watching Hilary and Danielle get on the log together and compete was inspiring enough to convince us both to sign up for their J-term workshop this winter and get a P.E. credit. All in all, we had a blast and the rug burns between our thighs only lasted a few hours, causing Maddie to say “I feel like I rode a carpeted mechanical bull” twice.