Girl, You Stupid: Queer Cattiness and Competition

As a new and existing member of the queer community, I cannot help but comment on the cattiness stereotype that many gay and bisexual men fulfill on campus that perpetuates the hypercompetitive, unwelcome and truly unsafe spaces we breathe in.

With the new influx of the Febs on campus integrating into all types of Middlebury communities, I began a dialogue with others and myself on the faults of queer communities. The culture of “reading” thrives in our spaces and in a weird way has always been seen as a fundamental trait to being a part of a queer community. I rather challenge the cliché and in turn think about ways in which we can seem more welcoming towards new students on campus that identify as LGBTQ+ and how we can be more welcoming towards each other.

The cattiness stereotype, stemming from sexist ideology that pins up women against each other for the enjoyment of men (aka sexual competition), refuses to acknowledge the different types of queer people narratives. It forcefully leads gay and bisexual men into predictable boxes that prove to be detrimental to the queer identity. Very often, the oppressed take on the identities that their oppressors create and internalize said behavior. In order to liberate our brothers and sisters from our oppressors we must learn how to build community first. As a gay man, I am not innocent and must admit my faults and complacency in the issue.

Cattiness and being able to shade someone to filth is almost like our weapon. My ticket into queer communities in NYC and even here at Middlebury has often been to be funny at someone else’s expense. The disturbing thing is that in such spaces, rather than being called out on my atrocious behavior, it’s celebrated. Now I know I’m funny, but there’s a difference between being funny and sassy and being outright mean. But being a gay man is living in competition. Who’s hotter? Who’s more fabulous? Who’s smarter? Funnier?

Well the way life works is we often aren’t always the hottest, most fabulous, smartest, funniest most perfect guy in the room. And that feels awful, so the solution is to slay and cut down everyone around you until you’re the top queen. But when you go around hating on every queer person you see, rather than building a strong and supportive community, you have a big group of queers who not only don’t want to date each other but don’t want to even spend time together. And then that cattiness expands. It goes from being our weapon against each other to being our weapon in society. Then instead of being a gay man who gets catty with other gay men, you become a catty gay man and the stereotype is formed.

While the imposed stereotype heavily permeates gay pop culture, it’s just that: a stereotype. Many queer men, including myself, hate to feel insulted as a result of gay catfights, and plenty of queer men don’t engage in such behavior at all. The important thing is to be introspective and check yourself. Being so commonplace and accepted, you may not realize the damaging behavior you engage in whether in the day to day or only when engaging with other queer folk.

What is important to remember is that queer community exists for a reason. The queer community is proof that we are not alone. It’s a way to come together and fight oppression. When queer youth are kicked out of their homes, others open up their homes. When a student is being teased for his flamboyant behavior, his gay teacher stands up for him and sends the bully to the principles. When we couldn’t be ourselves, we gathered and opened up our own clubs and bars where we felt free. We didn’t come to form this community by calling each other fat whores. Community building is done through acceptance and celebration of each other, rather than competing with each other.

Yes, Middlebury is not the worst place to be a queer man, or queer person in general. However, it is not a place free from the catty disrespectful attitude we are known for. Considering the arrival of the new Febs, in a way we can try to see this spring term as a clean start and try to leave any nasty behaviors behind and go back to a place of welcoming, support, and love.