Give it To Me Straight: Roommate Complains

Give it To Me Straight is a new column in the Campus where I, Frank, will be answering questions from students about life at Middlebury, inside and out of the classroom.  Quick disclaimer: I have no official qualifications, so you’re well within your rights to consider my advice with the same suspicion you would view that of a complete stranger.  That said, I have spent almost four years here at Midd, and I’ve lived, studied and worked around the world with many different kinds of people.  If you’ve been looking for some impartial guidance or just have a random question about life at Midd, then go/advice to make your anonymous submission.

Reader Submission: “My roommate has been having many emotional issues recently and always likes to talk to me about her problems. While I want to help her, her constant complaints, however, are making me feel unhappy and burdened. How do I balance helping my friend and protect my own emotional well-being?”

Frank: This is difficult to answer without a little more information.  Is your friend complaining about ‘normal’ things, or does she have more sinister problems that are beyond your ability to resolve?  Is your friend taking advantage of the kind and empathetic ear that you’ve been lending her?  And an introspective one for you — are there things in your life that prevent you from supporting your friend?

Life at Middlebury is not easy on our mental health, and while projects like Resilience have helped to break the silence over issues like depression and anxiety, most people have difficulty discussing them.  We all have different thresholds for the information we share and with whom we trust to share it, and you might be a lifeline for your roommate.  If you’re noticing any signs of severe mood swings, appetite changes or anything else out of the ordinary, then talk to your dean, a trusted professor, your FYC, etc.  They can help determine what further resources, if any, she needs.  That said, this is a small campus, and there’s definitely a line between confirming your suspicions with a mutual best friend and spreading an unfounded rumor.  Take care you don’t cross it.

At the other end of the spectrum, your friend may be abusing your generosity of time and spirit. The fact that you’re asking this question makes it quite clear that you genuinely care for your friend and her well-being, but you’re of no use to her, yourself, or anyone else if your empathy turns to resentment or melancholy.  If you’re sure that nothing serious is wrong, then use your judgement to control the amount of time you spend together. Go to a different dining hall or study space, or  encourage her to volunteer or join a club, which will get her out of your room and might give her some perspective on her emotional problems.  Depending on your comfort with the relationship, you could also try unloading a barrage of your recent emotional problems and seeing how she reacts.

The best long-term solution for this dilemma is for the two of you to have a frank discussion regarding your mutual expectations for the relationship.  For example, if she can complain ad nauseam to you, then the reciprocal ought to be true as well.  This might seem intimidating, and it’s probably not worth doing if you’re not invested in having a long-term relationship with her.  Ultimately, however, it will give both of you a far more satisfying and successful friendship.