NARPs: Mastering the Art of "Self-DeFence"

Before we officially commence our column, we want to let you all know that we are aware that many of our NARP activities involve self-defense, and this week is no different. We are unsure what this means, but we are rollin’ with it. Seeing that it is the 21st century and we go to school in an incredibly dangerous and urban location, sword fighting is highly recommended to all students to fend off the predators in the mythical Ridgeline forest. Considering neither of us could tell you where a single Bluelight location is on campus, three-foot solid metal daggers are our new self-defense accessories.

In order to learn this trendy new skill, we obviously signed up to go fencing. Also, Maddie wanted an excuse to relive her memories from her favorite “childhood” restaurant Medieval Times. (Author’s note: At Medieval Times, customers sit in a dingy stadium and watch knights joust each other while eating 15th century foods without silverware because that’s how they did it back then! Cool stuff!) Izzy could not relate to these memories as she spent most of her childhood with her hamster, Kelly Clarkson.

In order to prepare for our jousting expedition, we did our research (as per usual). We watched the cult classic movie, The Parent Trap, and a slightly less cult classic, The Princess Bride, in order to take note of their moves. Although we now consistently binge-watch relevant programming to prepare for our activities and have finally learned to wear sports bras during physical activity, we consistently fail to make proper food choices.

This week we decided to binge on Sabai Sabai takeout minutes before practice time. Cue the indigestion.

Although Maddie hoped her lucky t-shirt, featuring a shirtless Lil’ Wayne, would help bring down her nerves about getting stabbed in the face with a dagger, we were quickly ushered into full fencing gear. It was the closest we will ever get to wearing a uniform, and it was exhilarating. The first piece of protective equipment was similar to a breast plate––basically a bra made out of hard plastic. Allison Forrest ’15, the head of the Fencing Club, informed us that the boys were put in charge of purchasing the gear and they only bought extra large chest equipment. Wishful thinking, boys! However, Maddie was excited to spend an hour pretending like she had significantly sized boobs. With our breast plates, leotard-esque garments, gloves, and helmet, we were ready for battle.

Allison ran us through several drills that taught us how to strike each other with the sabers. Stop snickering. We aren’t sci-fi nerds. The fencing swords were actually called sabers. After drilling for half of an hour, we started to joust back and forth. It didn’t take long for us to get really into it. Our sabers were clashing and clinking, and we honestly felt like we could have gotten employed by Medieval Times! After our first round, Allison instructed us to refrain from having our sabers hit each other, but to focus on hitting each other’s body. She elaborated that many people have the wrong idea of what fencing should look like, because they use The Parent Trap as a reference. Who would ever do that? What amateurs...

Although we went into the lesson feeling confident about our fencing abilities, we realized how difficult it is to maintain the footwork and the sword handling. Allison told us that kids who go to incredibly intense fencing academies spend their entire first year learning the footwork without ever touching a sword. It was incredibly fun to “playfully” joust with each other, and we definitely got out some anger issues in the process. After the lesson, we were brainstorming all the different ways we can use our new skills. So, when you’re at the T-Pain concert on Saturday and wondering who the psychos jousting to the front of the crowd are, you’ll know it’s us!