Dear Frank: Value of Relationships, Platonic and Otherwise

Dear Frank, I’m graduating in May and have realized that a lot of the people I’m hanging out with aren’t really people I want to be friends with in the long term.  

I’m a little disappointed in myself for not finding better friends at college, but mostly I’m wondering how much or little I need to maintain these relationships, many of which have little to no value to me, both for the next two months and after graduation.

Well, you paint a rather bleak picture.  We all have acquaintances who might not share our deepest desires or beliefs, and I personally like to keep them around — it’s good to never get too comfortable with what you think you know of the world.

On the other hand, I see no value in remaining friends with people who diverge from you ethically or have repeatedly demonstrated a lack of respect for you, your background or your beliefs.  I’m certainly not advocating that you stop talking to everyone who falls into this category, but you should take ownership of your life.

The people you spend time with inform your opinions, your behavior, your decisions and how they evolve over time.  One of the greatest advantages of a good friendship is the opportunity to learn from someone else, but you can just as easily be influenced by people who you initially had no intention of imitating.

These are good guidelines for making friends, but your question was about how to go about maintaining or breaking ties over the next few months.

A more mercenary columnist (or someone from the CCI) would point out that more connections might give you more opportunities over the next several years, especially in certain fields.

Even if you have the energy to maintain an acquaintance with people you don’t really like on the off chance they might give you a leg up in a few years, I’d recognize the possibility that they might realize your duplicity (or just not be nice people, which is why you’re asking this in the first place) and not help you anyway.

I would say that you should focus on maintaining the friendships that you do want to have over the next several years.  People at Middlebury are notoriously nicer by themselves than in groups, so consider giving some people a second chance before planning to cut ties.

If you do stop spending time with certain people for your last two months here, take the time to seek out people who have always interested you, especially if you know you’ll be living in another city next year.

We have the great privilege of being on a campus with an extremely high density of pretty cool people — try to meet a few more of them before you go. To everyone else reading this who isn’t a senior, don’t wait until your last few months at Midd to start hanging out with people you actually like. Life’s way too short.

Dear Frank, I don’t really feel comfortable participating in the hookup culture, but that seems to be the only way to participant in any sort of relationship.  Any advice?

I’d say that you have the power to change that!  The hookup culture is absolutely dominant at Midd, but that’s not stopping you from asking someone out. People complain about nobody dating here … but they seem unwilling to take the plunge by taking someone to dinner or stargazing or to play mini golf.

I do have few thoughts to encourage you.  If you ask someone in person, starting with a compliment, he or she, if single, is very unlikely to say no.  I’d go with something like: “Hi ___.  I think you’re smart, funny and kind of cute.

I’d like to go out for dinner (or whatever you want to do) sometime, if you’d be interested.”

Make sure you both have a graceful exit and an actual plan for a date—best to plan for all eventualities.

Finally, don’t be discouraged if you’re refused or if the date goes poorly. Dating is really just about finding someone you can have a good time being yourself with (at least at this point), so it’s statistically unlikely you’ll be successful right off the bat.  As you get more comfortable, it all will seem less intimidating and more fun. Best of luck!