This week, the NARP duo decided to take on the ultimate beast— intramural soccer, known colloquially as “IM”. Some friends of ours started a team, and knowing our athletic prowess, have been begging us to join for weeks.
This week meant the commencement of playoffs. So we thought it was time to bestow upon the IM world our soccer-related gifts. Izzy’s extensive research on Ronaldo’s Calvin Klein photoshoot proved incredibly valuable and Maddie claimed to be the reigning MVP of her “backyard soccer team” circa 2003 (actually a computer game).
After an early dinner full of leafy greens and lean proteins (haha jk!), our squad headed towards Virtue Fieldhouse. With our portable speaker blasting “Hot in Here”, we wanted to make sure that our opponents knew exactly who they were dealing with. As per usual, Maddie won this week’s fashion mishap: dressed in neon spandex, she looked like a Crayola Crayon...on steroids. She said she was “just trying to compensate for the dreary weather.”
We approached the field and realized that intramural sports are, in fact, still sports. People based their entire self-worth on the outcome of these 30-minute games. Players were wrapping, taping, icing, stretching and warming up for their game. (Was the walk to the field house not enough?) Our NARP-y team stopped dead in our tracks, as Izzy broke the tension with, “Guys. Not only do they have a goalie, but he has gloves.”
After hesitantly asking to borrow a ball to warm-up, we formed a circle and gossiped as we passed from person to person. High on our chatting agenda was determining when our intramural screw your teammate would take place. Isn’t that the main purpose of a team anyway?
Eventually, we met up with our opponents, the Wrecking Balls. We decided that the best strategy to recruit boys would be to flirt. In soccer, one flirts by juggling the ball while making eye contact with the desired target. Although we didn’t have the skills to get the ball off of the ground, we still scored Ian, who offered to be our goalie. Not to brag or anything, but he had really nice gloves.
All of the gals (plus Ian) got into a team huddle. Maddie began reciting the game time speech from “She’s the Man”: “Some are born great. Some achieve greatness. Some have greatness thrust upon them.” Such prophetic words for a chick flick. Another player, Meg, stepped in and began to recite the “Miracle on Ice” halftime speech. Finally, it was time to “Bend It Like Beckham”.
The following thoughts occurred throughout our game: Wow, what is the field made out of? I feel like I’m running on carpet! Why do I have sand in my shoes? Oh, the other team says they are “turf turds.” Ok. Apparently, my boobs aren’t just useful for feeding my future children, they can help me pass the ball too! Do I need to do a front flip to throw it in? I’m getting out of breath. Sub me out. Seriously, sub me the f*ck out. Do I get a red card for cursing?
Celebration was in order when our very own NARP, Izzy Fleming, scored a goal! Her footwork was so precise, and she only fell twice. Our team screamed so loud in celebration that it distracted a goalie on the neighboring field and they scored on him. Sorry buddy.
Honestly, this may have been one of our most successful missions yet. In addition to Izzy’s beautiful goal, we got approached by another team to have a little “mixer.” With our overwhelming amount of social success, the score isn’t even necessary to paint a positive picture. However, if you really feel it is essential, one team scored six goals and the other team scored one. We don’t want to embarrass anybody so we are going to let you interpret who was who.
