‘The Consent Project’ Workshops Encourage Honest Dialogue About Intimacy and Sex Dialogue About Intimacy

What is consent? Does consent have to be verbal, or can it be reached through body language? Am I supposed to get my boyfriend/girlfriend’s consent each time before having sex with him/her? What makes for good sex? Why don’t we talk about sex more as a community?

These were some of the questions that were raised in Winter  and Spring-term Consent Workshops, organized and led by Amelia Marran-Baden ’17 and Jeremy Alben ’18. In light of recent sexual assault cases in the press and the John Doe case at Middlebury, Marran-Baden set out to create a collective initiative to reframe the way that we think about consent and encourage students to talk about sex. She was inspired by a mandatory “Consent is Sexy” workshop that she attended as a first-year at Barnard College before transferring to Middlebury College.

“The Consent Project is about giving students that space to talk about sex and to enjoy talking about sex,” Marran-Baden explained. “You’re going to have a better time if you’re open with your partner and open with yourself about what you want.”

Over bagels and popcorn, the workshop participants answered light-hearted sex trivia questions such as “how many nerve endings are in a clitoris” (the answer is about 8,000) and then broke off into small group discussions about sex, intimacy and consent. To date, the Consent Project has hosted one male-identifying workshop, three female-identifying workshops and one co-ed workshop, all ranging from six to 30 participants.

“It exceeded my expectations,” said Alben, talking about the male-identifying workshop that he led over J-term. “We really got the ball rolling around subjects that people don’t normally talk about in a group of peers.”

“I thought it was really wonderful to speak in a small circle and to share our perspectives on a generally more intimate topic such as sex,” orkshop participant Kai Wiggins ’16.5 said.

Initially, the workshop participants tended to have negative reactions about what consent means. Many students expressed their confusions and discomfort around the convoluted definitions of consent and the “he said/she said” dialogue that often ensues after cases of sexual assault.

“There’s an inclination nowadays to push back against this movement and say that so many people are being falsely accused,” said two-time workshop attendant Aleck Silva-Pinto ’16. “There have been false accusations, which is terrible, but if there’s more awareness, then more people are safe.”

After acknowledging their discomforts, workshop participants engaged in an open and honest dialogue about intimacy.

“This is in no way a blaming type of conversation,” Julia Lesh ’16 explained. “This is taking consent away from the realm ‘guys are at fault’ and acknowledging that the reason many of us struggle to confront our relationships with sex and sexuality is because of our society, our culture, the things that we watch, the things that we see and that’s not anyone’s fault.”

The Consent Project does not seek to demonize or extinguish hookup culture at the College, but instead to cultivate an environment on campus where students feel comfortable talking about sex and communicating with their sexual partner, whether it’s a one-night stand or a boyfriend of 10 years. Having a conversation is such a basic way to lead to a healthy understanding of intimacy and to normalize the various ways that people relate to sex: whether you really don’t like sex, you masturbate three times a day or you like to engage in kinky role play.

“There seems to be a disconnect between what students are doing and how they’re feeling,” said Marren-Baden, addressing the College’s hookup culture. “Why has sex become so normalized and yet talking about it has become so strange?”

“The more we talk about consent, the less we can justify fudging our standards,” clarified Francesca Haass ’16.5, who has attended several Consent Project workshops. “If this conversation spreads across campus, I think we have a real chance to close the gap between what we think consent should be and how it often plays out.”

As the Consent Project grows, Marren-Baden and Alben hope to draw a more diverse crowd to the workshops and make the space as inclusive as possible. To date, the workshops have consisted of mainly heterosexual, white students. Marren-Baden and Alben recognize that sex is in no way hetero-normative and seek to bring in as many perspectives as possible to their upcoming consent talks.