A Preface to Lunch Advice from some bad movies

Author: James O'Brien

After eating off of contaminated dining hall plates last week, I contracted several diseases. These ailments included a double ear infection, respiratory infection, a sinus infection and Maple Syrup Urine Disease. I lied about Maple Syrup Urine Disease, although it is a real ailment. To tell the truth, I actually contracted Imitation Maple Syrup Urine Disease from eating a Ross breakfast.

Anyway, during my sickness, I did absolutely no schoolwork at all since I had downed too much NyQuil for my brain to understand the concept of a sentence. I did, however, watch several movies and television shows which taught me some priceless/worthless new information about life. I figured I would share this information with you for lack of a better column topic. The following hypothetical situations, or "Ifs" as I like to call them, will be rather valuable should you ever end up in a movie, but typically completely useless for everyday life.

If you are ever in a situation where an evil guy is torturing you for information, be forewarned - he will try to convince you that he will trade you your freedom in exchange for information. Don't listen. He is lying. If you are ever in this position, just understand that unless your name is Jack Bauer or Steven Seagal you are going to die no matter what. As a result, you might as well lie to the evil guy - who will most likely be scowling or wearing an eye patch so that you can properly identify him as evil - about the information he wants.

Unfortunately, none of the characters in movies seem to have actually seen a movie within their imaginary world, or they would know this. The movie victims in these situations always seem committed to complete silence. They typically make a determined face, spit on their inquisitor or simply say something like, "I won't tell you anything," in order to demonstrate resolve to their captor and the audience. Ironically, when the captor and the audience see one of these tactics, they know immediately that this character will give up the information because they have the same level of strength and determination as an acting troupe of crack-head gophers. Surprisingly enough, I have never met a troupe of crack-head gophers, but I assume that their levels of determination would not be high, that their performances would often be cancelled because they didn't show up, and then, even if they did make it to the show, their acting would be shoddy because they wouldn't remember their lines, which I wouldn't be able to understand anyway because I don't speak Gopher. I would never pay to see their shows! Ahem.

If your hotel room or house happens to contain an unusually large airshaft, you can bet that, at some point, you will have to use that shaft. Either you will have to use it to escape a pursuer, or, unbeknownst to you, there is a large amount of cash or a human body being stored there by someone else - perhaps the evil guy who will be torturing you for information later. Most airshafts are barely big enough for a morbidly obese squirrel to squeeze through, so if you happen to have one of these inexplicable "human-sized" airshafts, beware. Danger is coming.

If you are a man who happens to want to marry a very attractive woman, the best thing for you to do would be to become a bit of a loser. Continue to spend all of your time drinking and do not look for a real job for the next twenty-or-so years. Just party and become affable. You will become a lovable borderline alcoholic. Play up the fact that you are a loser. Be goofy and charming about it. Inevitably, a gorgeous woman will recognize your irresistible charm and leave her successful lawyer boyfriend when she discovers that he is a jerk and you are nice. This is more or less the plot of countless unaward-winning movies - "Billy Madison," "Wedding Crashers," "Grandma's Boy," "Hot Rod" and "Baseketball" to name a few. Even the writers of the lovable television show "Family Matters" - in its later years when no one was watching - created a plot in which Laura Winslow falls in love with Steve Urkel. This is where I draw the line. If you take one piece of wisdom from this column to ponder for a few hours tonight before you go to bed (I wouldn't recommend doing this, but hypothetically …), it should be this: No one who plays the accordion and wears suspenders daily could ever get with Laura Winslow. Yet, we still pretend.

James O'Brien '10 is an English major from Medfield, Mass.