Good Morning and Good Luck

Proving he’s the whiner his biweekly pinochle club always thought him to be, Mexican President Felipe Calderon is getting all sorts of whiny over the new Arizona immigration law, which is also known by the robo-sounding name SB1070. Experts are shocked that Mexico’s fearless leader is still talking to the press despite the ongoing controversy over his name sounding like “cauldron,” a claim that has caused some Mexicans and Sarah Palin to speculate about his ties to witchcraft as well as the Harry Potter book series. Last week, Calderon, while skillfully dodging questions about his special relationship with J.K. Rowling, declared that the Arizona immigration law “opens the door to intolerance, hate, discrimination and abuse in law enforcement.” When reached for comment, the door promptly responded that it has “been open for quite some time thank you very much!”

The blogoverse, a magical place on the internet where people post keyboard puke, has been all atwitter about this new law. Most opinion pieces I found on this subject began with the thesis that, “Unfair! Racist! Hatred! Boycotting!” or, contrapuntally, “Jobs! America! Glenn Beck! Freedom and liberty for all whites!” The most reasonable opinion piece I found on this subject, written by a respected African-American scholar at Stanford, basically said, “Wait a second! Isn’t it already illegal to be an illegal immigrant?”

Yes, Scholar at Stanford, it is illegal to be what is known in kinder terms as “undocumented.” I’m not sure how “undocumented immigrants” and “illegal immigrants” are at all different terms. Maybe it’s sort of like how the Indians (the ones who run Casinos and paint with all the colors of the wind) want to be called Native Americans and Indians (people from India) want to be called Slumdog Millionaires.

Opponents of this law like Mr. Calderon, who have long whined about racial profiling, are now imagining that this law is inventing racial profiling or at least making it is easier. This, I think, is so they can whine more. Police officers in Arizona have been racial profiling Hispanic people with impunity since way before this law was just a twinkle in Arizona’s eye. I have no idea if that’s true actually, but it seems about right. Sometimes, as I sit musing about the police racially profiling with impunity, I imagine the police chew on that grass thing and speak in an indecipherable Southern accent; other times not. Where were we?

Ah, my solution to this problem: PBRs.

Check it: Polite Border Receptionists, or PBRs, will hold hands to form a human wall on the border and also politely hand out pamphlets on how to utilize the proper legal pathways to entering the U.S.A. Even in the likely event of future immigration reform (which annoying people will call “Obamagration reform,”) these proper legal pathways will continue to be a huge pain in the ass for the potential immigrant. But fear not, because we’ll cushion this depressing news by offering huge prizes and raffle opportunities at the border! Immigrant hopefuls will be given the opportunity to buy a very special raffle tickets for the monetary equivalent of five dollars (pesos accepted), and for every thousand tickets purchased, one lucky Mexican citizen, and up to four of his/her closest kith, will be granted hassle-free access to all of the things that make America great — Six Flags, chain restaurants, the blood and tears of our forefathers, etc. They won’t even need to immigrate, which again, is helpful given that the official immigration process involves memorizing anywhere from 500-1000 percent more United States history than any native-born U.S. Citizens knows.

You don’t give a flying squirrel about Mexicans, you say? It’s all good. Consider: the border is approx. 1,969 miles long. The average unemployed U.S. Citizen could politely defend two feet of border no problem. Math Time!!! That’s [(2,640 PBRs per mile) X (1,969 miles of Mexico-United States border)] = 5,296,610 new jobs via the human wall! With any luck Obama will make this a law with his weird left-handed claw signature as early as next month!

Did I mention the exciting border games the PBRs are authorized to engage in? In addition to raffles, there shall be a fun little game called “The Cross-countries Cross-cultures Cross-promotional Challenge.” In this game each PBR will offer his/her potential immigrant client a refreshing Pabst Blue Ribbon (you had to know that was coming) as a testament to what our marvelous country can offer those who choose to go through the official immigration process. If you beat the PBR in a PBR chugging contest, you, like the raffle winner, may bypass the official immigration process and, even better than the raffle winner, receive $200 for passing GO thanks to another special promotional tie-in with our good friends at ParkerBros, maker of Monopoly. And that’s just the beginning!

Though it will be fairly clear from the handholding that we Americans have turned the page on our ambivalent border enforcement and are now steadfastly enforcing the law in a friendly, courteous manner, fairly clear is not clear enough! The PBRs will also sing. One happy song at the top of their lungs, at the top of each hour. The thematically relevant song selections will include Monty Python’s “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life,” The New Seekers’ “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing” and Lipps Inc.’s “Funky Town,” which foreign countries still mistakenly believe to be the official USA theme song.

This can’t work, you say? Oh forget it! I’m sick of you Negative Nancies. Look, whatever. Is a wall of hand-holding singers working for minimum wage too much to ask from the country that brought us Lady Gaga, The Snuggie and intense scrutiny of Tiger Woods’ penis vacations? I think not. Mark my words, one day we live in a world with polite human walls. Until then, good morning and good luck.