A Preface to Lunch: Good things to say

I read The Middlebury Campus last week. That was a mistake. Everyone seemed so very angry, especially in the Opinions section. So this week, I’m searching my e-mail inbox and finding good things to say about people who have e-mailed me.

Julie Hoyenski — Other than spam from porn sites, there’s nothing in the e-mail universe I look forward to more each month than the Facilities Services Newsletter. This month’s newsletter celebrated a record diversion rate by the Material Recovery Facility staff. We diverted 64.3 percent of waste from the landfill. I have no idea what this means, but I’ll just guess that the MRF staff is doing some sort of Tetris-like activity where they pack the trash at certain angles to form rows which then disappear ... and thus, trash is diverted! I will admit though, Ms. Hoyenski, that you bring the occasional piece of disappointment to my life. Sometimes I’m glum because I haven’t received any e-mails for awhile. Then I see that I’ve received two new e-mails, only to find that the steam pipe room in Forest was closed at 6:58 a.m. and restored again to working order at 6:59 a.m.

Jyoti Daniere — I like your name. It is nice. Also, it’s spelled in such a way that I have no idea how to pronounce it. I like that you have so much interest in me not getting STDs, and I am glad we have someone here at the College solely focused on preventing/eliminating my STDs. Did you know my mother has never once expressed concern about this? I feel like you’re more than a mother to me. Or, at least I did until I found out you send these e-mails to everyone. I haven’t been this disappointed since Santa Claus. Still, it’s good that you’re promoting dating and also promoting wearing condoms and not drinking a lot of alcohol. These initiatives will be invaluable to me in reaching my goal of 64.3 percent STDs diverted. If I reach this goal, I will receive a gift certificate to the Grille from an anonymous donor.

Nana — You did it! Yes, I did get your e-mail, and I liked it very much. I also received your phone messages asking me if I got the e-mail, and your cards for New Year’s and Valentine’s Day, along with your Pre-Ides of March telegram. (Sorry, I don’t check my mail that often.) Oh, and thank you for being nice enough to send an actual dollar bill in each card instead of the dollar checks! To answer your question, if you filled out the online form the way I showed you, your prescriptions will come in the mail. They don’t come out of the computer yet, but I do have high hopes for the future. Love you.

The Middlebury Campus — I’m delighted to see you’re sending me e-mails now. I was especially enthralled with your digital interview with Jyoti, in which I learned how to pronounce her name. I was a little sad when I saw your article about the “Midd Kid” video controversy, especially when there is no “Midd Kid” video controversy, and I felt like you were lying to me. I was grumpy when I saw that the only negative quotations you could drum up were from a far-too-eloquent lax bro (please stop soliciting quotations via e-mail) and another kid who was mad that there wasn’t enough science in the song, or something. Could you please make it up to me by doing a tell-all exposé on Sunder Ramaswamy and the Monterey Institute? Love you.

Career Services Office — Thank you for sending me the generous invitation to the 8th Annual Midd Spring Job Fling Mar. 2, 12 p.m. - 2 p.m. in Coltrane Lounge! Question — is just two hours enough time for us to have this “job fling?” I have been told in the past that I have extraordinary stamina, and I also am actually wondering if the Coltrane Lounge is the best place to do this. I don’t want to seem like a complainer or anything, but I’m a little taken aback that you’re willing to admit this is the “8th annual” spring that you’ve done this. You’re telling me that you’ve done job flings seven times before? Um, and I guess I should ask even though I think it will make me sound like a prude — what is a job fling? Is it what I think it is? In which case, shouldn’t you just call it a “fling job?” On second thought, I feel like the chances of an STD are too great and I’m going to have to decline your offer. Thank you, though, for including in your e-mail a picture of the promo poster to the movie called “Post Grad,” starring Rory from “Gilmore Girls.” I thought it was funny how you cut out Rory’s face and then drew an arrow pointing to “Your Face Here.” I am happy to see there are still people with no sense of irony, even in this terribly cynical day and age. I did, however, get a little weirded out by the “Your Face Here” because I wasn’t sure if it meant you wanted me to wear a Rory wig during the fling job or if it meant you were going to cut off my face if the sexy, violent-type stuff got out of hand. That, along with STDs, is why I can’t come on Tuesday, Mar. 2 to the Coltrane Lounge.