A Preface to Lunch: In the absence of an opinion

I’ve set a goal: In the next couple weeks I will generate a mind-blowingly awesome, socially-conscious-yet-irreverent opinion about some tragically overlooked aspect of the world. In the absence of that opinion this week, here are some topics which are rising in popularity this week, according to www.middlebury.edu and www.IMDb.com:

Adrian Moore: Public Safety sent us a highly entertaining CRIME ALERT e-mail about this young, potential suspect, accused of slashing a Hepburn window screen and attempting to make off with a student’s computer.

This e-mail came complete with pictures, seemingly selected on the basis of making him look as badass as possible. Two pictures of him with a flat brimmed hat cocked to the side, sticker still on the underside of the brim and another picture of him in his adorable Halloween costume, dressed up as a Stoner Cowboy.

Unfortunately, if there is ever a time in this young man’s life when he isn’t acting badass, he may be difficult to recognize.

Bucky Mitchell: I don’t have anything positive to say about him, but he also takes badass pictures and hangs out with Adrian.

midd_secure: The most secure thing on the campus and perhaps in all of Vermont. More secure than Hilary Clinton’s abstinence and *NSYNC’s place on the Mt. Rushmore of great boy bands. Computers are being stolen all over campus, window screens are being slashed, Adrian Moore is running amok, but fear not — no one will ever be able to successfully log onto to midd_secure.

Pornography:

According to an NPR report I heard this week and my subsequent research, pornography has had a significant role in pushing technology forward, pioneering such innovations as secure online payment systems, streaming JPEG video and online video chat. It’s also responsible for 90 percent of my sexual misunderstandings with women. Who knew that not all women wanted sexual experiences to be pseudo-violent, humiliating and video recorded? All of this might have been avoided if not for my childhood love of everything nautical and my tragically misguided visit to seamen.com.

Sometimes I imagine how my life may have unfolded differently if not for pornography’s love of puns.

Paris Hilton’s ‘1 Night in Paris’ sex tape: Up 33 percent in popularity this week on IMDb. See why on IMDbPro.

NeilMed SinusRinse: You know that plastic squeezy bottle they promote at the Health Center, no matter what your ailment is? “I have a broken leg.”

“Oh. Have you heard about the sinus rinse?” Turns out that thing works wonders.

Fill it with salt, douche your nose and get ready for an unprecedented streak of good health. I still have that same broken leg but, on the bright side, I haven’t caught a cold in a full year.

Listen.grooveshark.com: Best site on the Internet. It’s my duty to inform the reader about this Web site.

Every song you could ever want by any artist — and full albums free without having dozens of YouTube tabs.

Monogamy: An evolutionary psychologist at the London School of Economics and Political Science has come out with a study supporting his theory that the more intelligent people are, “the more likely it is for them to adopt evolutionarily novel preferences and values in response to the challenges of the times.”

According to this study, these evolutionary novel preferences include liberalism, atheism and monogamy. The difference in IQ being a mere six points in most of the cases in this study — and since I have no idea what IQ points mean, or even if they have any significance at all — I don’t have much of an opinion on this. It does, however, seem like unfair ammo for women in their attempt to get men to bow to their evil monogamy schema.

On the bright side, it may keep intellectual wannabes from watching FoxNews, thereby creating a more intelligent society of liberals willing to push technology forward via the pornography addiction, created by their dogged commitment to monogamy.