A preface to lunch Investigating the dating scene

Author: James O'Brien

Inspired by Fast Food Nation author Eric Schlosser's lecture, I've decided to take on a few weeks of semi-investigative journalism. I'll admit that the extent of my investigation thus far has included accosting people who happen to be walking by or standing next to me, but, acknowledging that every future award-winning journalist needs to start somewhere, here are some quotations I've gathered on relationships at Middlebury.

"I hook-up every weekend."

This young man - I think he was a first-year - seemed eager to impress me. Not quite sure why. But what he didn't seem to realize is that the difficulty level of "hooking up" at Middlebury is orange - that is, if difficulty were rated on a color coded system and orange denoted the highest level of simplicity. I didn't really want to rain on his parade, so I made the face I would have used if I'd been present when the floods came in the time of Noah's Ark - absolute shock and disbelief. "Oh come on! What were the chances that the old guy with two of every animal wasn't crazy?" He seemed to notice I was patronizing him. "The girls are hot, too," he quickly added.

"I've had a boyfriend since last year, but we're breaking up. He doesn't actually know that yet though."

This was my favorite quote thus far. Clearly this young woman has been thinking about breaking-up with her counterpart for some time, most likely the whole summer. But she decided to take the time to explain her situation to some random kid she had never met instead of telling her boyfriend first. I do sympathize though. The summer is just not good for college relationships. Those working in the Love & Condoms Department of the Health Center should start looking into abolishing summer vacation. Much like the Amethyst Initiative, this sort of movement may turn a few heads at first, but lobbyists for true love - and/or sustainable hooking up - would all vote in favor.

This girl then went on to admit to "cheating" on her boyfriend, an act that she blamed on the "long-distance" nature of their relationship. Long-distance relationships are the worst. Everyone understands that they won't work, and yet they've heard a story about this cousin of a friend's brother's dry cleaner who was somehow able to weather the storm of being miles apart. So then they think, "If Frederico and Marge pulled it off, why can't [insert significant other's name here] and I do that?" while they proceed to barge headlong into several months of misery. As a quick bit of advice, please never utter the phrase, "If they can do it, why can't I?" to yourself. You just can't… I don't know why.

One young woman I talked to had been "looking to date" for four years, but hadn't been pleased with results.

This doesn't give me a lot of hope. This girl I was talking to was attractive-about a 7 out of 10 on the Magnificent Middlebury-modified objectification scale (also known as the Mmm scale)-and she hadn't had any luck. What hope do the rest of us have?

"Are you hitting on me?"

When you decide to do relationship research on Friday night outside of a themed party, you run the risk of these sorts of responses. And yes. I was hitting on you. But don't blame me. If there's one thing I learned from my semi-research, it's that if a person is going to have dating success at Middlebury, they have to cast a very wide net.