Dear Frank: How To Say No to Commitments

Dear Frank,

I’m on an advisory committee for an issue that excited me several months ago, but after several meetings of being ignored, I’m no longer interested in participating.  How do I extract myself from this situation, particularly as the obligation continues into next year?

With a few caveats, I’d say that you should finish the semester but announce your intentions to pursue your other interests when fall comes around.  Whether you do this now or after your last meeting, and likewise in person or via e-mail, is entirely up to you, but I would advocate for sooner rather than later.

You’ll get it off of your chest, and if arrangements need to be made for new committee members, they’ll have time to find a few candidates.

It sounds like the structure of the committee is less than ideal, and it could be that other people in the group feel that their opinions are disregarded.

If the group has a faculty advisor or an older student who seems receptive to feedback, I’d recommend being very candid about why you’re leaving, so that the committee can produce positive solutions possible in the future.  This is, after all, why you’re leaving: you could — and should! — be doing much more productive and positive things elsewhere, so take your time and figure out what keeps you feeling happy and fulfilled.

On that note, I’ve compiled a non-exhaustive list of the things my friends and I have learned over our four-year journey towards figuring out how to have a satisfying life at Middlebury (and beyond).  As a disclaimer, I’ll warn you that I was told many of these things but didn’t believe them until I figured them out through my own experiences.

At Middlebury: Have a standing lunch date with someone — Thursdays at 12:30 p.m. with Sarah in Atwater.  You can catch up for the first five minutes and actually talk about something for the rest.  If you haven’t been to Atwater for lunch, go (yes, this is possible). Middlebury’s most beautiful moments will take you by surprise—snow sparkling in the air after you pull an all-nighter, a perfectly clear night sky, an expansive sunset … don’t let little obligations prevent you from appreciating them.

Your Commons Council has a lot of money if you can get enough people to vote for your proposal. You are never going to be able to take music lessons as well or as cheaply as you can here.  Take the language pledge very seriously if you ever have the privilege to take it. Volunteer—whether you check out the service orgs on Middlink, find an organization in town, or apply for money from the Service Cluster Board for your own initiative, take some time each week or month to ground yourself with the world outside.

Speaking of life beyond Midd: Be the person who makes you happiest.  If your friends aren’t cool with whom you’ve become, then you most likely need to find different friends.

This may seem daunting, but it’s far less terrifying than the prospect of spending the next 60+ years being someone you’d rather not be. Accept yourself for being the fantastic person that you are, but acknowledge your weaknesses and constantly strive to be a better version of you. Take them one at a time—monthly goals are great for improving little things, as are friends who can keep you honest about meeting them.

Have five-year and ten-year plans for yourself. If in five years you’re nowhere near where you wanted to be, re-evaluate.  As long as you’re satisfied with what you’re doing, carry on!  If you have a crush on someone, ask them out before you waste months wondering.  Asking someone out seems intimidating, but remember—if they don’t like you, then you don’t want to date them anyway. Keep in touch with people who mean a lot to you, and don’t hesitate to remind them of that often. Stay awesome.