‘Dessgate’

The subject of this month’s column is misinterpretation facilitated by technology. Now, I’m sure you all have saved every one of my past columns and reread them every night before bed, so I’m sure you’re thinking: “Ben you repetitive hack! You talked about Facebook and other forms of electronic communication in your last column two weeks before winter break!” If anyone fails to remember my last column (a.k.a. everyone except me), I talked about how interactions via Smartphones and social networking hamper understanding of all but the simplest communications. I didn’t really do it justice, though, as I ended up complaining mainly about my inability to convey complex emotions with Gchat smileys. Luckily, that very week something happened that demonstrated my point better than I could ever imagine.

It began, as many disasters do, with a prank. “Ken” and “Jerry” (names changed to conceal identity of those involved) were tired of the same old Facebook pranks — such as changing a profile picture, birthday or the “Interested in” tab. So when their friend “Beyoncé” left her profile logged in on Jerry’s computer, they decided that it would be pretty funny to make a series of status updates intended to inform the Middlebury community of an inflammatory yet totally ridiculous event.

Several ideas were tossed around for a possible story, including a hostage situation at Carol’s or an interdepartmental sex scandal. They ultimately decided that a fictitious member of the Middlebury community named Delilah Dess was enraged over the College’s use of Aunt Des to promote the dish return initiative, and had taken the matter to court.

The joke was based on the fact that Beyoncé is the Managing Editor of The Campus, and thus breaking news from her Facebook feed would carry more weight than random posts on most others’. Given this extra credibility, Ken and Jerry took care to make sure the story was too ridiculous to be taken seriously. Over the course of an hour, Jerry made no more than five status updates on Beyoncé’s account, spreading the word that Delilah Dess was suing the college for libel, copyright infringement and defamation of character. These charges themselves are preposterous; unless Aunt Des was instigating hate crimes against Ms. Dess involving dirty dining hall dishes as projectiles, defamation of character was unlikely. Another key part of the Facebook story was the possible impeachment of our President of the College. Correct me if I’m wrong, Mr. Liebowitz, but I don’t think any college president has or ever will be impeached. The cherry on top was Delilah Dess’ official statement that the college was run by “a bunch of sloppagees.”

Over the next hour, Ken and Jerry marveled at the success of their prank, enjoying the confused comments and frantic chat messages they were receiving while still logged in. However, they soon were made aware of a Middblog post written concurrently to “officially” document the imminent end of the Liebowitz era. Reactions to this post (which can be seen at go/dess) caused a cascade of panic throughout the campus. Phone calls were made to Tim Spears, college lawyers and even the county courthouse in attempts to verify the Facebook status claims. A stressed out Beyoncé, who beforehand had been frantically putting finishing touches on her thesis, stormed into Ken and Jerry’s headquarters to inform them that she had been trying to sort through the chaos since almost the instant they made the initial update. The situation finally ended with a personal call from Beyoncé to President Liebowitz, reassuring him that he would not meet his demise at the hands of Ms. Dess.

Luckily, thanks to the quick actions of Beyoncé and the good humor of the administration, ‘Dessgate’ ended without permanent repercussions. But it caused significant awkwardness for all parties involved, for which Jerry and Ken (whose name almost coincidentally resembles my name) apologize. Still, this illustrates what can happen when people take online communication too seriously. If in doubt, do it in person. Don’t worry, Beyoncé, your Facebook is safe from us this April 1st. Just make sure we don’t know where your clothes are.