Flannel Mammal - 04/22/10

Let’s talk for a second about sunglasses. Since I can remember, sunglasses have always been a symbol of “cool,” a single accessory that can turn the dorkiest, most awkward and uncomfortable person into a real snazzy cat.

I vividly remember being in my fifth grade jazz band and being forced to wear cheap plastic sunglasses during our unforgivable rendition of “Tequila.” I was frustrated by this for two reasons. First, wearing sunglasses inside makes it very hard to see and even harder to read music. Second, I look really bad in sunglasses. I was a very pissed-off 10-year-old in sunglasses.

But it was all for the “cool” effect. I would like to set the record straight, once and for all. Wearing sunglasses does not make you cool. Sometimes cool people wear sunglasses. There is an enormous difference. Let’s look at some examples:

I’m not sure how many of you have seen Zac Efron’s tragedy of a film, “17 Again.” In the film, Zac Efron gets to go back and remake his life from the age of 17.

Obviously, in order to be cool, he starts wearing sunglasses. No matter what Zac Efron may do, he will never be cool. I’ll give him a modest handful of props for making out with Vanessa Hudgens, but otherwise, he’s totally lame. Here we see a prime example of an un-cool person wearing sunglasses in an effort to be cool.

Let’s move on to a different scenario where someone who is cool happens to be wearing sunglasses. Having seen Top Gun upwards of 30 times, I’m a huge fan of how Tom Cruise wears his sunglasses. The year was 1991 and aviators were still cool (by the way, aviators are totally out now).

Not only does the infinitely cool Maverick sport his sunglasses in the most tasteful and elegant way, Cruise stays practical with it. As a premier air force pilot (who also happens to ride a sweet motorcycle into the blazing sunset), he needs to protect his eyes from harmful UV rays on a regular basis. What we see with Tom Cruise in “Top Gun” is a cool man who elegantly wears sunglasses for practical purposes.

An individual’s flailing grasp for coolness is most clearly indicated by the most invasive and abrasive fashion faux pas: the forbidden wearing of sunglasses at night. Not only is this impractical and strange-looking, Corey Hart wrote one of the worst songs of all time about it.

Considering how much awesome music and fashion came out of the 1980s, it’s really quite heartbreaking to base a look on Hart’s “I Wear My Sunglasses at Night.”

Equally abrasive is the wearing of sunglasses inside. Unless you’re standing in front of the big windows in BiHall staring directly into the sunset, I can’t think of any other reasons to wear sunglasses inside. The other day at a Mill party I saw someone wearing sunglasses in the Mill basement. The Mill basement is one of the darkest and dankest places this side of the Mississippi River. To be frank, I was more offended by the sunglasses then I was by the abominable hump-fest happening on the dance floor.

When it comes to sunglasses, keep it practical and keep it honest, and everybody wins.